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Old 02-22-2013, 04:03 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I am sorry you hurt. You sound like you are working out your inner stuff though.

Maybe it is that you can do poly... or even mono-poly if you are monoamorous for sure... but you cannot share that with him like this at this time. What is he willing to change, if anything? Is he willing to meet your need for clear communication/conflict resolution? Do you have other needs you would like to request? Does he have needs YOU are not meeting?

This...

Quote:
There is love there, between us, despite the problems. And commitment to each other and trying to find a way to make this work.
is not lining up with this behavior of his and yours below in this chunk

Quote:
I got into a huge hours long argument with him yesterday because I told his friend (who I've also been trying to be friends with) that I didn't think I could do the poly thing and that I didn't like how it made me feel, and he got upset about it and I tried to tell him I just wanted to talk to him about it and see if there was some way we could reach a compromise, something we could both feel better about, and he didn't think we could, said he felt like he was poly, hard wired that way and I was mono and didn't think either of us would bend on that, despite me asking him repeatedly if we could wait and talk about it when we were both calmer and in a better headspace where we were both trying to come from caring about each other's wellbeing instead of being angry and defensive. That's something else we're going to have to work on if we make it through this- is better communication/conflict resolution. I've read the links posted here and they've really helped me but despite trying to get him to read them, I don't think he has, I think he gets annoyed when I try to get him to read it.

Now I am going to take a liberty of splitting that chunk into bite size sentences, so please forgive that. (I want to be able to color code to show you how it reads to me.)
  • I had an argument with him yesterday. <--- Black, neutral, this is just a fact.
  • He got upset. <--- Neutral. This is just a fact.
  • We argued because I told his friend that I didn't think I could do the poly thing and that I didn't like how it made me feel. (<-- Orange caution. He is not clear why he is upset. Could he be upset because you worry about mono-poly issues? Or is he upset because you told his friend rather than come to him direct? Could it be BOTH? How did he find out you told the friend? )
  • I tried to tell him I just wanted to talk to him about it . and see if there was some way we could reach a compromise, something we could both feel better about. <-- Good that you tried to communicate. But orange caution. About WHAT? and HOW? The mono-poly thing only, or telling the friend things rather than telling him direct, or address BOTH issues? You are not giving clear communication about the CONTENT of the conversation. And I'm not sure HOW you deliver your message there either. You do not say. That could play in this. )
  • He didn't think we could, (Red. This is "not willing." You seem willing. He is not willing, but not saying it with clear communication. He is not saying "I don't think we can have clear conflict resolution because I am not willing to enter into conversation with you. I am not willing because I feel upset. I feel upset because ____. Before I could be willing, I need _____. ")
  • He said he felt like he was poly, hard wired that way. (He can know himself. Fair enough. Still does not address his upset or his willingness.)
  • He said I was mono.(<-- Caution. He is knowing you for you? That's not correct and presuming. Unless you stated you are monoamorous for sure to him previously and he is referring to that.)
  • He didn't think either of us would bend on that. (Red. You are willing to enter conversation and find out if things can change. He is NOT willing to enter conversation. Is he willing to state WHY? Is it because he is angry you told the friend first and does not feel emotionally safe now? Could ask if this bothers him, could apologize if so. Could that change his willing to enter into serious conversation THEN?)
  • despite me asking him repeatedly if we could wait and talk about it when we were both calmer and in a better headspace where we were both trying to come from caring about each other's well being instead of being angry and defensive. (Red. That is you pushing a point. You SEE his is upset. Do you stop poking the upset bear? No. You keep on poking the bear. How does this move communication forward? How does this create emotionally safe space for him "unbear" and not clam up now, or to be more willing in future? How does this show respect? )

Could be better to validate first. "I see you upset. I will not push. Please let me know when you are less upset if you are willing to talk and sort this out. I will back off now." You put your need to know NOW ahead of his need to feel safe now. ) He may NEVER be willing. And you have to accept that. But you aren't helping him to BECOME more willing by poking the bear either.
  • That's something else we're going to have to work on if we make it through this- is better communication/conflict resolution. <--- Yep. Neutral. It is what it is.
  • I've read the links posted here and they've really helped me. <--- Good. Black and neutral though.
  • Despite trying to get him to read them, I don't think he has. I think he gets annoyed when I try to get him to read it. (Orange. Caution on the HOW you communicate that -- Requesting he read? Or demanding he read? What is "trying to get him" mean here -- trying to get him to do things against his will? WHAT you communicate matters. So does HOW you communicate. Are you poking the bear? )

Maybe he doesn't want serious commitment in his polyshipping configuration with you. Maybe he does not want to be held accountable to you.
Do you even want the same open relationship shape? Cannot sort all that without clear communication.

But maybe he wants all the things you want, but he wants a better communication standard. Maybe he wants less bear poking?

You both create the environment you have the relationship IN. What are YOU doing to create a good environment? What about him?

I know it can feel hard, but keep sorting yourself out so you can arrive at your own clear wants, needs, and limits. Then express those to him and ask him to give you his clear wants, needs, and limits. But could think about the environment you create when you communicate. Nobody wants to spend hours talking to a bear poker. That does not feel emotionally safe or emotionally fun.

But if this is not about that, and just a basic NOT WILLING to communicate at all or be in relationship at all... Could accept there's no game to play here with him. There is no relationship to be had here. Sigh.

Hang in there. Take a time out and gather yourself and then try again... maybe with less bear poking? Perhaps ORAL communication is not your strength in this couple at this time. Could maybe try communication by writing letters? Leaving a print out on his desk?

Namaste,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-22-2013 at 04:50 AM.
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