Came back to add...
I find it reasonable she is telling you what she would like. She has the right to have what she'd like in her romanceship.
I don't know HOW this information was shared. You have the right to know what's going on with clear communication in a way you can understand. Ask for the verify/clarify if you are confused.
It sounds like her delivery of this communication poked you, and you want validation that so do YOU. YOU have the right to have what you would like in your romanceship. (And of course you do too! You have the right to have what you would like in your romanceship.)
Rather than derail too much into her communication style, or try to rationalize/reasonableness test her feelings (feelings are emotion, and emotion is not logical) or assume negative intent about her motivation being her forcing you to do things in your own disappointment/upset... could choose not to go down those paths and stick to this path:
- Could find out if she is willing to see the conversation through to the end. Keep it on track here to reach understanding. To answer the question of "Here are your wants, needs, limits. Here are mine. Are we still compatible to be in romanceship TOGETHER in a poly configuration?"
force you to do anything. You are free to walk away at any time. You do not sound like you are held against your will or are in an abusive situation. This is not FUN, but it is what it is. I am sorry you hurting. I am sorry you are being asked to consider things you do not enjoy and finding yourself in conflict.
Could decide to "just do the job in front of me." Hang tough, bite shield, and... Sort yourselves out.
Have that hard conversation in a kind but FIRM way and get the answers you need and arrive at conflict resolution. Again, not all dating partners are going to be a runner. Not all runners are going to go long haul. Discern what it is you have here. Do not be afraid to have the talk because the conflict resolution could be "We cannot share a romanceship here in harmony." DO IT ANYWAY. DISCERN AND SORT.
Could ask her if she is willing to do conflict resolution
. Could ask her for an appointment date to do this in -- where you both clear 2 hours for it. Come with your talking point lists, and just go down the bullet points in turn until you have talked things out. Make another appt if needed to finish lists. Some things are not solved in one conflict resolution appointment -- people get tired, emotional, overwhelmed, etc.
Could not do serious relationship talks hungry, tired, pressed for time, over the phone, cel text, etc. Could give yourself and her the quality time, respectful space and be fully present to sort in.
Find out what there is to find out.
If she is not willing -- there is your answer. Either way, you get to KNOW where you stand and end limbo land suffering for yourself.
Hang in there!