Sharing personal info with metamours?
I've posted before about issues with my metamour, but since then things have gotten much better. Still not best buddies, but we have been able to share things and support each other and it has been something I have looked forward to working on and growing.
Fast forward to this past Sunday, when i was having sex with our mutual partner "Joe"...and the condom broke. Both of us were not very surprisingly quite stressed and upset by this. Joe has been in a very similar situation before and has a child because of it with his now ex-wife, so because it really hit home to him, he was especially upset. He tends to shut down a bit when emotionally stressed like that and while he tries to keep himself in check, when he is upset it is pretty evident. (At least to me, anyway)
The following morning, I took Plan B. I was pretty upset myself and feeling pretty unsupported by Joe, as he was being very in his own head. I had a really bad response to the medication and was very sick and in pain for two days. During this time, "Sue" texted me to thank me for being there for her when she had recently been upset and asked how I was. I had seen Sue on Sunday evening post condom incident and she knew something had made me upset, but I hadn't told her then and Joe hadn't either, although she had noticed his moodiness as well. I decided to be honest with her and tell her what had happened, and I asked her not to bring it up to Joe. I thought it was fair that she be filled in why we both might be more stressed over the next couple weeks while we wait to know if I'm pregnant, so she can make informed decisions, but I wanted to let Joe know myself that I had told her before she said anything to him, so it didn't take him by surprise that she knew. She was very kind and supportive and checked on me via text a few times while I wasn't feeling well. The three of us saw each other on Tuesday night and things seemed fine, although there wasn't much time for talking.
I woke up this morning to an email from her stating that she had a problem with my asking her not to say anything to Joe. We are both in D/s relationships with Joe and transparency is part of that- we are supposed to be open with any information. I didn't feel that I was doing anything wrong by asking her to not bring it up as Joe has made a point of saying that anything said between Sue and myself could remain private from him, as he wants us to be able to form a friendship and he understands that being able to keep confidences is a basis of trust and relationship building. On top of that, this is information that Joe obviously already knows (he WAS there after all!)- I just wanted the opportunity to let Joe know I had confided in Sue myself, and I have been looking forward to being able to tell him that she has been a great support, because I know that will make him really happy with her. I informed her of all this in my response email, but have not heard back from her.
Honestly- I was pretty taken aback by her email, but tried to put myself in her mindset so I could understand her. I think one part was pretty telling of how we differ in personalities- if the situation was reversed, I would immediately understand that the situation was about supporting the two actually involved and would quietly keep the information to myself until told I could talk about it. This was what she said in her email about her feelings: "I guess what got me was that I could not tell him something about me, namely that there was information in my mind. If you told me something about you and asked me not to tell him because you wanted to be the one to tell him, you can count I would respect that and I don't think it would make me uncomfortable. But the idea of me being aware of something and having to keep it from him, somehow makes me feel uncomfortable." I really didn't know how to respond to that- I felt like she was making it very about her and adding more stress to a situation that is stressful enough. I just reminded her that while she has the knowledge in her head, it is actually happening in my body and is my experience.
Obviously, I wish now that I just never told her, as I really don't need more stress right now, but this makes me concerned about ever really sharing with her about anything. Any advice for both navigating this particular situation and also for navigating sharing of information in the future?