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Old 02-21-2013, 10:34 PM
Tamcat Tamcat is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 24
Default Not sure if can do poly or not.

I first posted a while back...feels like years ago but I guess it was only a few months ago. Since then, so much has changed. I think my head is still spinning.

My dad, who I was very close to and taking care of, died.

I made the long avoided decision to separate from my husband. I've been apartment hunting for a month now trying to move out.

My boyfriend/dom lost his apartment and had to move in with a friend of his, and they had been contemplating starting up a relationship of their own.

Just recently, in the last few weeks, my boyfriend decided that he did want to be with me, that he did want me as his primary relationship and wants us to be together, but that he wants to get on his feet financially first so he can be self-sufficient and won't be a burden to me.

He and his friend had also decided not to pursue a romantic relationship due to her emotional issues and the room mate situation (there are 2 other people living there, one of which is the friend's ex-boyfriend who still has a crush on her and apparently the situation causes a lot of drama.)

My boyfriend and I have had a lot of talks about the poly thing. I have read up everything I could on it, lots of great websites on NRE, compersion, dealing with jealousy, insecurity, communication, etc. and I feel like I have a pretty good basic knowledge of the topic as a whole, having been in 2 different poly relationships now. Unfortunately, my experiences with both have been extremely negative, and I will own up to my own failings in contributing to their dysfunction and demise, but I am afraid that my boyfriend doesn't understand why I now am reluctant to want to open myself up to poly again.

When he tried to start up our most recent poly relationship with him, me, and his friend, he and I had been together in a LDR for almost 3 years. I had always wanted more, wanted to be together with him as a couple. He didn't want to, however over fears of 'settling down', of moving to where I am (after separating I want to stay here so my son can see his father often, to make it easier on both of them), of living with a child (my 8yo son), and fear that 'we just wanted different things' out of a relationship.

I compromised because I wanted him in my life, however we could manage it. And we ended up deciding to wait and see how we felt about things once we got settled back down after his move and my move (which I'm still trying to get done).

Then he got interested in his friend, who was also interested in him, and the NRE that followed all but pushed me out of the picture completely. He got short tempered with me, easily exasperated when I started feeling unsure, scared, insecure, replaced as he spent less and less time with me, showed less and less interest in me, and began pushing me away right when I felt I needed reassurance, culminating in a week of sheer hell right after he moved in with her and then practically avoided me entirely for a week, leaving me feeling shattered, like the relationship was over. There's still a lot of residual hurt, anger, and resentment from that- even though he's come out of his NRE fog and realized he almost lost me there. It was awful, and I wasn't consulted or given any say in any of it, when I tried to tell him I wasn't comfortable with things, that it was scary, painful, he would just tell me he didn't understand why, he still loved me, how he felt about me hadn't changed, and this was just something he had to do.

So I've realized now...that I've gotten my self-confidence and self-respect back, that if that is his version of poly, I don't want anything to do with it. I've realized he wasn't fair to me, that he neglected me, didn't treat me with consideration and respect, and that he was being selfish and heedless of the fact that what he was doing and how he was doing it was hurting me. And I realized I deserved better from someone I loved, someone I was in a relationship with that supposedly loved me. He has apologized numerous times for the way he handled things there, and says he realizes he did pretty much everything wrong there. But I am extremely gunshy from how bad an experience that was.

I made friends with another couple, they're poly, she's bi, both kinky and we've discussed playing together. I got permission from my boyfriend to do a scene (BDSM) with them at a play party and it was amazing. The guy and I have really hit it off and have been texting daily and the 3 of us have been making plans to get together to hang out and get to know each other, even if just as friends, although they've both made it clear they'd love to get involved sexually, though they respect my restrictions with my boyfriend right now. My boyfriend is nervous about this new development, despite having encouraged me to get out and meet people and find people to play with. I'm wondering if his change of heart suddenly saying he does want to be with me might be motivated by fear of losing me instead of him really deciding that's what he wants and as much as I want to trust him and believe that we might end up together, I'm scared to because of all the problems we've had up to this point.

I got into a huge hours long argument with him yesterday because I told his friend (who I've also been trying to be friends with) that I didn't think I could do the poly thing and that I didn't like how it made me feel, and he got upset about it and I tried to tell him I just wanted to talk to him about it and see if there was some way we could reach a compromise, something we could both feel better about, and he didn't think we could, said he felt like he was poly, hard wired that way and I was mono and didn't think either of us would bend on that, despite me asking him repeatedly if we could wait and talk about it when we were both calmer and in a better headspace where we were both trying to come from caring about each other's wellbeing instead of being angry and defensive. That's something else we're going to have to work on if we make it through this- is better communication/conflict resolution. I've read the links posted here and they've really helped me but despite trying to get him to read them, I don't think he has, I think he gets annoyed when I try to get him to read it.

And it may take me saying, "No. Hey- this is a deal breaker here. I need you to do this for us or I can't go on with this." I don't know. There is love there, between us, despite the problems. And commitment to each other and trying to find a way to make this work. When we're together, we're happy, really happy. There was a time when we brought out the best in each other. I want to believe we can get back to that. But I'm also realizing I have to take care of myself and make sure I am getting what I need out of a relationship and taking care of my physical/mental/emotional health.

How do I know if I can do poly or not? I think I'd rather just try an open relationship, with either of us having a say in who the other plays with. To me that seems less scary than opening up a relationship to other relationships and the complications of the other feelings involved. I used to think, maybe I could manage it if he and I had a secure, stable, happy primary relationship, but we don't have that yet and I honestly don't know if we can manage it or not. We'd have to make a lot of progress from where we are now I think.

I'm sorry this is so disjointed, just seems like so much going on, like I said my head is spinning. I tossed a lot out there- and it may not all make sense, but any thoughts, suggestions, advice on any part of this would be helpful and appreciated.

Last edited by Tamcat; 02-21-2013 at 10:41 PM.
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