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Old 02-21-2013, 07:08 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

Reasons a LOT of poly people have a problem with people dating "as a couple":

Originally Posted by Malfunktions View Post
1) We're looking for an equal companion
What does this even mean? Equal in what ways? You've "decided" to add another. Okay. I'm going to assume best intent and figure you mean you decided to look for another. Fine. Will she have the same freedom to look for other partners that the two of you are currently exercising? Have you two made decisions for yourself about having kids? Will her choices have to align with yours? If she wants to have kids with him, is that okay? If she wants to have kids with someone else, is that okay?

Dating one-on-one is hard enough. Finding someone you are attracted to, that is attracted to you, where you fit together well in a relationship, is already monumentally difficult and takes TIME. When dating as a couple, you want him to be attracted to her, you to be attracted to her, her to be attracted to him, AND her to be attracted to you. What you are searching for is automatically at least FOUR times harder than what most of our society considers "typical" dating.
Originally Posted by Malfunktions View Post
2) We have no idea what we're looking for so there's no list of best qualities or things we'd like to see.
In some ways this helps, in some ways it reinforces the perception of online people that perhaps you haven't fully thought this through. If you don't want to be labeled a "hunter" of the EXTREMELY rare set-up you appear to want, perhaps you should say you're OPEN to this type of relationship, not LOOKING for it. It seems like a minor difference, but it comes down to the difference between being interested in meeting people and getting to know them AS PEOPLE, versus having a pre-defined role you want someone to fit into. It's a little like the folks who trawl the dating scene for easy sex: one is always questioning if someone is interested in YOU or just what they can get from you.
Originally Posted by Malfunktions View Post
3) We don't "shark" the bar scene.
I don't know what this means, so I can't speak to it. Does this have something to do with the idea of someone older/more experienced preying on someone younger/less experienced?
Originally Posted by Malfunktions View Post
4) We're NOT the Bonnie and Clyde of Polyamory. We're not looking to find the optimum and then corrupt and defile.
Hopefully no one here made that assumption (I know, you said it didn't happen here) but the unfortunate truth is that far too many women who start dating and then living with an already established couple are used as a combination sex toy/housekeeper/babysitter. If that's not your intention? Great. People are still going to caution you about it to hopefully convince you to put extra effort into avoiding that scenario.

Finally, for those who open up a relationship, the expectation all too often seems to be that they're going to quickly find someone to make this great idea they had happen. It doesn't work that way. How long did you date before you met your husband? For myself it was years. And, as I said above, what you're looking for now is even MORE difficult to find and MORE rare than typical dating. So yes, those of us who regularly volunteer to give advice to people starting out get a little tired of the "we've already been looking for MONTHS!" complaint, and the "how do we find the right/perfect person?" question. There's isn't a magic way. There isn't a formula for how long it will take. All you can do is get out there, meet people, and be open to the possibilities, which scares the CRAP out of some people (understandably so!). Which is another reason why poly isn't for everyone, and also why some people just fall into it when they weren't even looking for it.

So if you're repeatedly being labeled a Unicorn Hunter, you have a few options: 1) assume they're all bitter and jaded themselves and ignore it. 2) think about if there's something in your approach that it sending that vibe and consider if there are any changes you could make in your approach. or 3) Own it. Accept that what you're looking for it extremely unlikely, but you're going to look for it anyway and IF you find it, AWESOME, and if you don't, you'll be fine as you are because as you said, there's nothing wrong with your current relationship.

Probably not the "sounding off" you were hoping for, but I hope you can understand where the "other side" is coming from sometimes.
Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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