Well hello again, It has been a while since I posted any up dates mainly from feeling ashamed of myself for STILL not having "the talk" with either D or J.
BTW since my last post I found out there was a whole "miscommunication" issue since I talked to J last, he was not in hiding, but upset with me over an email he thought I sent to a friend of his, and I never sent any such thing, and for someone to put words in my mouth just sends me to a whole new level of anger. Besides the fact that someone is trying to get in the middle of this. NO. NOT THIS. Although I do have to give them the benefit of the doubt, since I am sure they were just looking out for their friend.
Back to why I am here, I spoke with hubby again last month about J, and how this isn’t going away like before, it has become more of an obsession than ever. I am constantly fighting the feeling like I'm a bad person. D knows I still love J, and it makes him terribly sad to hear this, so it makes me sad to know I’ve done this to him. I feel like if I keep bringing up the problems I deal with (in my head and in my heart), it will push D to the point of just saying fuck it. I know how he is about us having a mono marriage, he would rather me cheat on him, (and that way he doesn't have to know first hand) than for him to know and fight the real thoughts in his head.
I really hate that I haven’t expressed my feelings about poly to him yet, mainly I feel like he will not understand, and think I just want permission to fuck around while I am married. How can I bring up the subject to someone who has never even heard of it, this to D will be just another "WTF are you doing now" thing.
Any advise on how to start, because these fellings are not going away.
Thank you for listening