Originally Posted by Emm
At the point at which they are recognised to be a human being rather than just a particularly mobile sex toy, IMO.
She is in a secondary relationship. That doesn't make her a secondary person.
In addition, I don't consider three months, ten dates, and physical intimacy to be 'barely knowing someone.'
Originally Posted by tree166
It proved to me what I had suspected all along - this girl, who claims to be poly, has zero respect for me or my place in J's life.
Two issues here. The first, in my mind, dovetails with Emm's statement quoted above. She's not his sex toy. The trick with poly is that you
almost must respect her
place in his life. I can understand your position, but as a secondary, I also understand how unfair it is to claim to be poly and open to your partner having outside relationships...but know darn well who's going to be ditched if the primary suddenly objects. To my mind, that reduces the 'relationship' to something less than a real relationship, knowing it depends on a third party approving.
The other issue is that when we believe something of someone, it's very easy to take any behavior on their part as proof of what we wanted to believe all along. I have a relative like this, saying the most blatantly ridiculous, untrue things about me. If I were to feed the poor and clothe the naked and bring about world peace, she would tell people I'm only doing it to get attention. (this woman does this with everyone, btw, I'm just one of the lucky winners to get on her bad side, God only knows how!
If you started out believing something negative of your metamour, is it possible you were quick to take her desire to continue seeing him as proof of what you'd already decided? Rather than see she's gone out with him repeatedly over three months and been intimate with him, she might really like him a lot, and it really hurts to suddenly be cut off, or severely restricted, from the time you're used to having with someone you really like a lot.