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Old 02-21-2013, 08:23 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 485

MeeraReed, he doesn't identify as mono... I just think (this is also based on things he told me about his previous marriage) that his ideal is different from mine. What he ultimately wants is to be in a committed primary partnership, and be free to have major crushes (which include intimacy) with other women. He crushes easily

I had a fabulous evening with MrBrown last night. In the midst of my panic attack when I was with C., I sent MrB an email asking him if he could meet later in the week for drinks beacuse I wanted to talk to him. So we met last night. I think this was the first time, since our first date, that we met in a bar and just had an evening of drinks and conversation, and it was wonderful. He has such a refreshing way of looking at things, and can talk about relationships without ever feeling attacked or makng things about himself.

We talked a lot and here's what we came up with:

My trigger for anxiety is Not Knowing and Lack of Information. I could find examples for this in all my existing relationships (including friendships).

When my husband says : 'I'm going over to see GF tonight, but we won't have sex' and he comes home and I know they had sex (and I ask him and yes, of course they had).

When this summer, MrB was seeing another woman and at first he told me: 'It's not really working out, I think I'll stop seeing her' and the next time he and I met, it turned out he had seen her often and they were in a relationship.

When C says 'I'm just going to be friends with Molly' and a couple of months later he says 'I'm about to sleep with her'.

When a friend says 'I'll call you tomorrow' and she doesn't.

All these things make me feel unsafe, like I cannot trust the other person, because their actions and words don't match. This causes major anxiety, and a feeling that I don't have control.

Then I start rationalizing that I have no need to be anxious, that my anxiety is stupid, that there is no need to be scared, that I am not supposed to be scared (because I'm poly! and should be able to deal with these things).
But the mind won't shut up the anxious, so that's not really working. I ask for reassurance, and this helps, briefly, but only until the next episode of course.

MrB said 'what if the feeling of anxiety that you are trying so hard to suppress with your rationalizing, is actually not a bd feeling, but just a feeling, or even a good feeling? Could you look at it like that?'

He made me see that me telling myself that I should not want to be in control is not working. The only thing that will work is to actually let go the control of others and by doing this, reclaiming control over myself.

Asking reassurance is basically nothing more than controlling others - telling them what to tell me to make me feel better.

The talk really helped, and then we talked about lots of other stuff, and kissed a little, which was fun, two 40-somethings making out a little in a bar full of 20 year old students There was a nice erotic charge, I think due to the fact that we knew were not going to sleep together that night. Ah, sometimes I like the charge better than the actual sex..
We talked about some of the kinks we've been exploring, which is something we almost never talk about, but just let happen.

It was an evening full of love, connection and freedom.

I'm not going to contact C., but wait for him to contact me. We have a date set for next week, when he will come to visit me in my city.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 + years
Bo - BF of 3 years

Last edited by Cleo; 02-21-2013 at 08:28 AM.
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