Part 1-My first love BB
My way of coming into Polyamory wasn't very smooth, and I hurt the people I care about the most. I never cheated, but if I had feelings probably would have been hurt just as bad.
Super way too long story incoming! I feel like I have to write out this whole thing, because a huge chunk of my life (about ages 3-14) I had set my mind on what I wanted, and then it was shattered. Even though I was young, I had a very strong mindset as to what I wanted for a relationship, only to have to reevaluate and change all my ideas suddenly and out of my control. Which ultimately would lead me to loving plural...
My whole life I have adored and loved BB. He was an older kid than me, so I didn't quite grow up with him, as in the same development level, but we grew up in some proximity to each other. I remember when my family moved into a new home right before I turned 4 years old. His family, and other aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents, came over for a visit. He would come up to me and pick me up way over his head and always make me laugh and be happy. Even though he didn't mean too, he got stuck in my mind. I couldn't even begin to guess how many daydreams, dreams, and wishes I had that went along like: When I grow up I want to be with a guy just like BB, or When I grow up and get big like BB maybe he could like me too.
From between the ages of 3 to 12 my thinking ended up being that I should see if BB could like me too. Starting puberty between 10-11 really upped my level of feelings and a definite physical desire. Even though I was very young I had the idea that I never wanted to date. I wanted to find someone to be with, marry, and live our lives together. There was no religious push on me to think is (though I was probably influenced by the general Lutheran Christian culture around me in America) I really was very lonely. If I loved someone and they loved me back then two people would never have to feel lonely...that was my idea for a relationship. But I had no idea if BB could think of me as more than his cousin. So, I had to figure that out first.
When I was 12 years old the side of the family I share with BB was having the biggest family get together in over a decade. I was going to spend almost a full two weeks sharing a house with my beloved cousin. This would be the single longest stretch of time we had ever spent together. I decided that I was going to make my move, and see if BB could possibly feel for me what I felt for him. If you are taking the time to read this, you must have noticed I am vague on how many years BB has on me. I am going to be the one to initiate a romantic advancement with BB, not him, I expressed myself him, pushed him, challenged his ethics, and got to admit to something he felt that he NEVER would have expressed otherwise. And I am damn proud I did! I will say he was a man over the age of 27 and that is as specific as I want to get here.
Anyway, at the end of the first day of the visit most of the people in the house went to bed early. I could not have imagined a better set up. Every one is in bed expect me and BB. We are still up watching Batman on TV. It had been something like three years since I had last seen BB, a bit of a time stretch, but I decided to try acting like nothing had changed at all and snuggled up right next to him on the couch. He moved away to a solo arm chair. It went on like this for a little bit, I silently kept moving to where he was and tried to cuddle into whatever he seat he had taken, and he gently pushed me away and took a seat solo. It is hard to describe but I could feel a different energy from him that I hadn't ever felt before. Maybe it was that he moved away, but never left. He could have easily told me to back off and go lock himself in the bedroom set up for him. He never looked at me, but didn't not look at me. Was it instinct that I noticed this? My excitement was boiling over, it seemed like the crazy feelings and dreams I had, had for years were based on something tangible, not just a puppy love crush from a little girl.
One thing after another I kept putting myself into BB's space, effectively forcing him to have some kind of reaction. At some point I noticed that he had been the one using the remote control for the TV. For the first time that night we started to talk. I taunted him that he should give me the remote for a while. He taunted me back that only guys can use the remote control. The silly taunting continued, at some point he waved the remote around daring me to get it away from him. Once again fate was on my side because I fell reaching for the remote he waved around. I tripped up on the circular floor carpet and started to fall in a bad way. BB was quick enough to grab around my shoulders and halfway fall with me, preventing me from hitting my head on the hardwood floor. But that was the turning point, I had no doubts now. Because he caught me, we ended up paused while he held me up to his chest and made sure I was alright. It only took a moment of being close, full eye contact, all the ducking and avoiding he had been doing all night was removed and I could see and feel that he looked at me in a way he really felt he shouldn't.
Now at the time, I didn't fully understand what consequences someone in the age of majority might have faced if they even admitted to romantically liking someone who was a minor. I knew it was considered wrong, but in the context of my life I wasn't going to let that get in the way. And I was only at the point of trying to find out if a mutual attraction was possible anyway, one problem at a time.
He let me go and moved away back to a solo arm chair, put his head in his hands, the look on his face was obvious distress. I sat next to him on the floor and did my best to reassure him that I was ok from the fall and that I was ok with him. The last part caught his attention, since he was trying all night to not have those thoughts show to me. He encouraged me to go away because something must be wrong with him, but I kept reassuring him that I liked him and that he is ok just the way he is. With a lot of patience I stayed by him and was quiet for a while, while he calmed down. I must have been convincing, because he did calm down and eventually we both sat on the couch cuddled up next to each other, holding hands, and watched some TV together just being still.
From then on whenever I saw a chance to be alone with BB I would cuddle up next to him, hold hands, and we had the best talks together. That was a very nice two week vacation indeed.
The next year I had a chance to see BB again. Less than a week this time, and we were not sharing a roof this time. To be clear he never initiated anything. I believe the first chance we were "alone" was during a trip to the store, or something. And we were left in the car while my parents went in to shop. When we were alone I asked BB if we could hold hands again, BB asked if I really wanted that, I just grabbed his hands as my answer.
And then the next summer, I was 14, another extended family get-together. This was going to be the biggest gathering of people yet in my lifetime. For a week and a half. Something different was that every one was staying in a hotel. I could get specific (but to the point already!), I know what some things I said and how I acted gave strong hints to my family (my sister in particular) that I had strong feelings for BB. I would end up paying for being myself and letting my feelings slip out (more on that later). Like the previous year the first chance I had to be alone with BB he sort of ignored me, acting aloof. This year I caught him in an open janitorial room for the hotel, I went inside, he pretended not to notice me. I gave him a little kiss on the cheek while he ignored me which surprised him a lot, he left the room with me in it and went to where all the main party action was, but he was smiling.
It was either the third or fourth night I found myself nicely alone with BB in the hotel lobby. I was actually surprised because I didn't think he would let me get close to him in this potentially very public space. But I was happy to sit with him and hold hands. We weren't talking really, just being next to each other for some time. At one point he turned to me and said he had something serious he had to ask me. I turned and made eye contact, then he asked, "How do you feel about me?" I will never ever forget my answer, "I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, like you." Immediately I regretted it, I had already said I like you many times before. I was so worried that I had ruined it, he was giving me an opening for the first time ever to advance anything and I didn't take it! Well, he just smiled, paused briefly, and then replied, "I just wanted to let you know that I love you." Then it all too easy to finally say "I love you too". Who started I don't know, but we kissed on the lips for the first time. Sweet, soft, and one of the best moments of my life.
(wow I reach the post limit....)
Your task is to acknowledge to yourself and others that every part of you has a right to exist.