Thread: The Unknowing.
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Old 02-21-2013, 03:03 AM
trixlg's Avatar
trixlg trixlg is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Georgia (Marietta)
Posts: 15
Default The rest of my story

How I became poly or why I relate as poly I should say.

So, we started out like a lot of couples do, having flings.. I never could see myself swinging, boie is also not the type of man that feels comfortable with performing in front of others, Or comfortable seeing me with another man. however, I am okay with seeing him with another woman, it's a turn on for me and I enjoy being apart of that. But shivers, I don't think I could be in a swinging situation.. especially with another man (more history to come on that). We decided to give random flings a try, we started out in yahoo chat rooms years, and years ago and then decided after ups and downs, more downs in my book.. but learning experiences all the same. That we actually wanted something more then flings. That's when I started doing research and wallah a label was born, and now I have a new shiny band aid to stick to me Poly-amours. But then we slowed down to a crawl especially since of the ups and downs with the various flings and realizing I had issues. so we go at a snails pace.

I met my first girl who I ended up just being friends with more so.. we tried the friends with benefits approach, but her secretes had ended it for me.. she told me things about her husband that well I didn't really want to know and well they are just in my book Unhealthy and to me her relationship is unhealthy and not what I want in a relationship for my self so, I decided i could do more by being a friend who is well honest and to the point. and it has helped.. she seeks me out all the time for some advise, or ask my opinion.. but due to the husband her not willing to get help for him and or her self.. I have backed off.. A lot.. but we still keep in contact and we still see each other on occasions.
So that didn't turn out as I had pictured a new poly relationship would, so alas lets try again.. this time with less expectations and well more sound boundaries in place then what I started with, I met Timmy we shall call her she was my first official Gf.. granted the boie had some issues of insecurities. I want to applaud how he was able to handle his A lot better then I have been able to handle mine. He did it like a champ.. although I say its because he is very logical thinking and me emotional thinker.. yeah lets put it this way he would be better at poly relationships then I would... but he is open to alot of things and that makes him a wonderful catch.. any how he handled it well I kept feeling pulled apart at the seams by the two of them, she was lesbian never been with a married woman, and was willing to give it a try.

However she demanded more of me then I was able to give, and well I ended it due to her lies and dishonest nature, and the drugs.. I don't deal well with dishonesty, and well drugs..

then we move on to T she was a girl I thought would be my unicorn or our unicorn.. ends up after 4 years of knowing her and being intimate with her .. she has sexuale issues.. she has a hard time having an orgasium with others which frustrates her and then causes her to panic and cry .. I held her one night and told her it was okay for her to be the way she was, and that I loved her the same with or with out it.. however me being an intimate type person, it became harder and harder to deal with.. so then I felt like I was a hypacret for saying those words.. and not being honest with us both. I do however still love her to this day and help her as much as i can.. she is one i can hold hands with .. we can make out with and be just how we are and are okay with it.. because I have learned what is expected of me and that's as far as it gets. mind you we dated as long distance which didn't make it any easier.

Now lets move on to Ruby, she came in to our lives, quickly, met her online, we met up, went out, she got plastered didn't know she had surgery for weight loss, she tried to keep up with my drinking and ended up passed out for 20 min.. then on the way home we were pretty much drunk talking about poly and how she would love to be in a triad.. and I thought really though she was the one.. come to find out that's what it was drunk talk.. we still had an amazing threesome and not just on that night.. but we decided her lovers were just too many for us.. she was the type that would do any thing for a friend.. and I do mean anything.. it came to the point that I asked her not to hook up with Cretin friends that I didn't feel comfortable being with in that intimate circle. well.. On date night out with us.. she ended up making out with some guy for a drink which still dumbfound me.. because we paid her way in.. and had just bought her a drink and ended up hooking up with the one person I asked her not too.. good by relationship. yet I was in the wrong for setting boundaries and that she likes to make her friends happy..Okay that ended on a sour note.. and I was still devastated not only for losing a friend but a possible long term triad. We learned what our limits were, and what we didn't want.. so learning experience...

I dated one more girl after that and it lasted 2 months.. because she was in the closet..

I have had a few hook ups here and there.. but nothing serious.

writing an introduction IS NOT EASY.

I know but i have written a book

however since I started writing this 3 days ago, and I have been dealing with some issues.. and a pattern I am trying to break.. which I am to soon be posting and asking opinions.. I have decided to take my self out of the dating pool and or even the poy relm to go back in to therapy to hopefully work past my one main issue.. Abandonment. I think it goes deeper hell I know it goes deeper.. but i have to work through this again.. even after 11 years.. and I want to be able to come back to this and I know I will be able to.. but I don't think its fair for me to be not emotionally sound and or involved in another person life with my issues.. I already have to deal with the pain of giving pain to my boie and that's bad enough in its self.

Also I have been reading a lot and I think I am codependent;( and not where I want to be .. but its where I see my self with my boie.. he is also I think codependent as well by how he says what he says.. I have asked him how he feels and well .. that's for another topic and another board.

so i guess that's me in a hand basket.. I have child hood trauma to put a sticky label to it.. I have some Major trust issues due to it.. and a lot of abandonment issues.. I have come along way if I am able to watch my husband have sex in bed with another woman.. but I still have issues <lesigh> I don't want them any more.. I want the feeling of not sure the word for it.. but complete utter happiness when I see my partner doing what ever he enjoys with whom ever he enjoys.. either be me or another..
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