Thread: wife of a Poly
View Single Post
Old 02-21-2013, 02:32 AM
newme newme is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Smile Reasons I choose Poly

Reasons why I chose Polyamory: These are in no particular order of importance.

1. Keep our family together. Stay together because of the kids. Yeah that is a reason, it just is. weather that is right or wrong. I know I could be a single parent with out DH. Our kids, altho devistated, would probably be fine. But deep down its not what I want for them or for me.

2. Maintain my current lifestyle. Being a photographer and at home.. I love it and I think if I had to work a full time corporate job to make ends meet I would surely do it. I just would know that a passion was lost and my dream life was gone. I am sure I would be fine if I had to do it. I don't remember absolutely hating when I worked corporate. It would be a different lifestyle and I'm sure I would adjust. I certainly wouldn't give up photography, I know I would still do it, but I worry that the free time I enjoy now that enables me to explore and get creative would be lost because I just wouldn't have the time. I also know change brings about good things too. So I am choosing this but I am not afraid if I couldn't have it.

3. Researching it I discovered Poly is a very loving practice. DH wouldn't love me less. He probably would love me more for taking the jump. Poly isn't what I visualized in my head to be in that it would be a self serving, damn you all, affair/cheating environment.

4. I came to love and appreciate the pure honesty that DH and I now experience together. Is it just him being more honest with me that makes it better? No, I am more honest with him. And suprisingly I am more honest with myself. When I really search deep inside me there is a part of me that wonders what certain experiences would be like. I wonder what being with another person would be like (man or woman). I am intrigued by some kinky sides of sex (BDSM for example). Through poly I could may be experience that or at least be honest with myself that I may want to explore that. I can tell DH my desires and know he isn't going to scoff at them but understand and if he isn't the person who could handle it then I am free to find someone who is.

5. Being open has created a different way of experiencing friendships. Knowing that I can share things with other people and show myself to them is fun and rewarding. Before I believe I thought I couldn't show people my true self because they would judge if I wasn't like everyone else or I wasn't perfect. For some reason reading about Poly has allowed me to open up in friendships like never before. It has even made a difference in how I relate to my children. It felt so good to tell my best friend that I was nervous about meeting with her and telling her I choose Poly. I don't think I would have ever told her that before, but opening up more too her is such a good feeling. I look at people/friendships in a different way now. I look at them as having something I want to learn about, each person is unique and may teach me something that I will appreciate and they may possess something I would have never discover on my own.

6. Why not give it a try? I figure if I discover I don't like the Poly thing and DH wants it then we can split up amicably and on good terms. It won't be over a hurtful affair full of anger and disappointment. Unlike swinging, I am not giving up anything of myself. Part of me use to say, yes you are.. your giving up your husband. Well, he still loves me and he's with me because he wants to be. I am giving up controlling him tho. That will be hard for me to release. I don't like feeling lonely. I like looking forward to him being home with me. I know this will be difficult but I also think it is a huge opportunity for me to grow and discover more about myself. Plus I should be able to be alone and be happy when he is away.

7. Face the fear. One of my bigger fears is the rage and out of control jealousy that will overcome me. I hate that feeling. The other day I had a fleeting thought when DH was meeting someone for coffee. Altho I didn't deal with it on my own (I wish I would have.) I did talk to him on the phone and once I told him it went away. I worry it affected him and made him doubt if I could handle it. But what is different about how this jealousy rage compared to the past is how quickly it went away after I told DH. It didn't control me. Unfortunately I needed him to reassure me. I want to get to where I can take care of it myself. Baby steps...

8. Compassion and understanding. I still find it profound that I have compassion and understanding for M and DH's relationship. This is what struck me as odd/strange but gave me a glimpse of hope that maybe I could do this. I felt sympathy for DH that he had lost such a good friend and lover when he had to break it off with M. Part of me was saying why the hell are you feeling bad for him. But that was so quickly overtaken with compassion that it affected me in a pivotal way. And the fact that it has remained that way throughout these past 3 months. I don't have any hate or anger against her or their relationship. I am happy he experienced it because I guess it got him to a place of understanding about himself and helped him figure out what he really wanted.

9. What a huge opportunity for myself to grow. I can conquer jealousy. I can discover things about myself I never knew and I have already done that over these past 2-3 years examples: I always thought I was as introverted as DH but I am not. I am really quite social but I have suppressed it for a long time. I like to be bold and loud. I like adventure. I need a lot of reassurance. I love being touched and caressed. I like figuring out why people do things (psychology). i hate cleaning the house!! LOL I am in control of my life and destiny. I don't beleive in god like everyone says I should. I am kinky! I like... no I love sex!

10. DH is who he is. I am not going to change him. This isn't my fault. Its no ones fault. Not sure if this is a reason why I choose Poly but it is a reason why I had the two choices I had ( Option 1. splitsville because he couldn't be monogamous or Option 2. Poly together.) I had to figure this point out for myself before I could move onto researching Poly. Thus why it is towards the end because I forgot about it. I guess I look at him being Poly is the same as if he was gay. Its in his makeup of who he is. Could he be monogamous? Yes, he could will himself to be but he wouldn't be happy? I am done with misunderstandings and screaming at each other in the basement. I could have never ever figured this out with out DH coming clean about his infidelities in the past. As hurtful as that was to go through, it had to have happened or I would have never even considered educating myself on poly because I didn't understand fully where he was coming from.

11. No regrets! I will be able to honestly say I tried everything.

12. It doesn't feel wrong. Thats a big thing for me to admit! Of course I am worried about being judged by society and it affecting my family. But, it doesn't feel wrong that we are both happier. It doesn't feel wrong that we are being more honest with each other and discovering things about ourselves we never knew.

13. I want to be independent. I never thought I would feel this way, but I want to know that I will be ok without DH. I think if I can face and conquer jealousy and allow myself to grow to find out who I am then I can be independent. Poly will give this to me if I allow it and don't resent it.

14. Do I want to be monogamous in this Poly relationship? I don't know. I would say no but I'm not going to go searching really hard for anything. I think I will be poly in the sense that I am open to anything happening but I'm not searching desperately for it. If an opportunity presented itself and I like the person then I want to feel I can take them up on developing a deeper friendship. But that doesn't always mean sex to me. Altho I am curious about certain things so it may be in fore front of my mind if its the right situation. (ie girl on girl or bdsm... ) Being monogamous I know I couldn't even admit those things so again thats another reason why I am choosing poly.

15. Relief. I am relieved to hopefully find a solution or at least a direction for our struggles.

Last edited by newme; 02-21-2013 at 01:00 PM.
Reply With Quote