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Old 02-21-2013, 12:58 AM
Silas Silas is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 26

I am finally sitting down to respond properly to this thread I started. I was delayed more than I would have liked because in the middle of all of my own issues my best friend was told by his wife that she wants a divorce after 7 years because there is someone else. They were doing great as far as I know and as far as he knew before now and it has the flavor of that age old monogamous conundrum of meeting someone else that you really like and believing that it means something is wrong with your current relationship for you to be able to feel that way and that you must not love your partner anymore. The only option then, of course, is to abandon the relationship and jump to the next thing. I found this particularly frustrating at this time because it is precisely the kind of thing that has led me to seek out a more elegant solution. Thus, my arrival here.

I want to reiterate just how valuable the advice and compassion I have received from the members of this forum have been to me in these last weeks. I don't really have a community of any kind yet for this uncommon decision of mine and it is so encouraging for me when I get such clear support from others who feel as I do.

Some things in particular that really hit home or strengthened me were:

Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
I still feel that it's been well worth it.
Hearing from people who have actually made this choice and glad that they did is something I don't see enough of. I hear a lot about the difficulties and problems but not as many success stories or how rewarding following your heart on this can be. It helps to hear. So, thanks. I welcome anyone else's testimonies that this has made your life fuller and more rewarding since that is what I am looking for too. (Perhaps the subject of another thread.)

Originally Posted by BreatheDeeply View Post
You didn't lose her, she lost you.

So you've imagined, or been force fed, the old tired line that you're selfish, or hedonistic, or uncaring for choosing a poly life rather then the self-denying, sacrificial life of artificial monogamy.

And don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being who you are. If anything, get angry. Works a lot better then guilt.
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
That your wants, needs, and limits are different than hers? She is a unique individual and so are you. You both have the right to have healthy relationships that you can thrive in. You both have the right to have your romances in the shape that you hope for. That is Life.

If you stay in relationship with her when she wants to be exclusive and you do not, you are not being true to your own want to be free to explore. Compromising your own want to know yourself better to give her hers is not you taking care of you.Galagirl
Thanks to GalaGirl in general for such an involved response. I read it several times and it had so much encouragement for how I was feeling and what I knew I needed to do.

Originally Posted by Dirtclustit View Post
Many relationships and friendships are wrecked because people do not have the courage be themselves, and sometimes it is not having that courage that is the only reason why things didn't work.

Being honest is also the surefire way to know that you are not crazy, that the confusion you feel being torn between a choice is just part of living and it will work itself out.

You did the right thing, you are being true to yourself and her, and you cannot be responsible for her being upset, if you give into now it sets you up for being manipulated and she may not be honest enough with herself to even see it.

People who love you in ways that are healthy, want you to be yourself.

You did and are doing the right thing, have faith in yourself
Dirtclustit, I could have quoted your entire post. (And practically did.) Thank you for such succinct and relevant wisdom. I certainly feel courageous these days. Asking for what I really want while knowing that I may have to lose someone I really care for as a result and doing it anyway? Very new for me. And very good for me.

I am still learning to be comfortable with confusion but the more I do the more I learn from it and the less it worries me.

Most of all, I do have people who love me and you are right because I want the same thing for them!

Originally Posted by Phy View Post
It sounds like you need to find yourself.

If that is how it used to go up to now, you have some soul-searching to do. And you should take your time doing so. Learn to listen to yourself, to your desires and needs and try to find who you are. For now, even if your polyamorous ideas won't come true for some time or if you find a whole different kind of relationship, it would be an enormous gain to finally know WHO YOU ARE and WHAT YOU WANT.
This is really at the core of what I needed to hear. What I already knew. I realized that even before the part of me that needs to explore poly there is a more basic need to give the time and energy I have to myself right now. To make that commitment to me and not someone else. I have been on this path for the last year since the end of the most important relationship in my life (4 years, co-habitation, life plans) and I realized that more than anything I still have work to do before I can make a commitment to anyone else. I definitely want that eventually but right now I have to see this journey into my self through. Part of that is a trip that I am taking to Europe for 6 months to vagabond and farm. Alone. This is something I have dreamed of my whole life. Sticking to this dream meant not setting off on another path with someone else who needed more of me than I could give. I heard the term "resource famine" recently and that seemed to describe the first part of why this particular relationship had to end. The second being my fervent desire to direct how I approach my relationships rather than let them direct me.

So, with that said, I made a decision about what I wanted and about how I needed things to proceed. In an email, I explained to her as best I could how I was feeling, what I wanted for my life, and that I would like to be friends but only after a time of No Contact. After writing it, I knew there was nothing more I needed to say and that I felt as solid as I ever have in my understanding of what I want. I am trusting myself and that is without a doubt the most valuable thing that I have learned to do in this past year. I believe it will lead me to the life I dream of. Even if I make a mistake, I would rather make it whole-heartedly and learn from it than constantly wonder if I am making the perfect choice and doubt myself.

I went through some grief about our relationship ending but that has largely passed. I am happy to have more time and energy for myself and others again and I am happy to be in a place where I can make any choice I want for my life without the consent or coercion of anyone. I am dependent only on my friends and family and myself. I feel free.

In the words of Arcade Fire:

"I would rather be wrong, than live in the shadow of your sun. My mind is open wide. Now I'm ready to start."

Thank you everyone. I look forward to being an active member of this community and I am seeking to find one in my city as well. (Minneapolis. Suggestions anyone?)
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