I dont fully understand how all of it will work out in the end
You don't get to KNOW before you get there. You are living your story as you write it.
You could PM me. I'm not sure what I could offer but I'm willing to listen.
A another fear that my husband has is that people are going to think of him as a b***h for "sharing" his wife with someone else but he does this regardless when we have 3somes. its just now going into a relationship form.
Sounds like your husband has fitness assessment things to do on the
layer of the polymath then. To come to terms and reconcile his fears if he wants to move this forward into a polyship with you all. Or decide he doesn't want to pay the price of admission and he does not want to participate in this because this is a personal limitation. He can deal with the fear when the happenings are "play dates" and at lower frequency/risk to being "outed." With a "serious" relationship and sharing of a LIFE rather than sharing sex, that's is a higher price tag to him to have to pay.
If he is not yet fit, he could choose to work on the skills to become fit. He could not choose behavior he is not yet fit for and overextend himself.
If he is not yet willing, he could look within to determine if this is a hard limit (will never be ok taking that risk) or a soft limit (could become willing over time).
It is ok to feel weird. The "new normal" always feels weird until time passes and you live with it and becomes "old normal."
Some people weather "times of transition and change" well. Some do not. (Again, this is part of assessment. Discerning how much you can take, are willing to grow to take, and what's just not a doable thing and is a personal limitation.)
You guys are IN THE PROCESS and talking. Are we fit? What's the price of admission? Can we afford to pay it? Do we WANT to pay it?
You are Engaged in serious conversation.
Even if the Engagement Time concludes after close examination that "No... we are not ALL fit AND
ALL willing at this time" it's been a successful Engagement.
- Those not fit? They could choose to grow the required skills and assess again at a later time.
- Those not yet willing? Could articulate wants, needs, and limits that need meeting for their willingness to change. Or could choose to just not go there.
- You all could choose something else entirely! You are free to choose together what you want to build or not build here.
There are always choices. It's ok.
Could be kinder to yourselves and acknowledge
this is a life changing decision of this size, and that merits care and attention of this size. It could be a decision reached over time, info gathering, assessment, weighing things out carefully. It could be a decision reached impulsively.
You all could determine which approach serves the needs of THIS potential polyship group best. How does THIS group want to fly in polyship together? How to treat each other?
You are free to choose. You are not free of the consequences of your choices. Play ball, love hard, choose well.