Spent a long weekend with Curlz. The first day was fabulous. Talking, eating, drinking, reconnecting, lots of fun in the bedroom. I told him about BGuy and he told me about his.. yeah I guess I could say she's his GF now, so let's give her a name... Molly. All was well, we had great, open conversations about everything. I was genuinely happy for him that he is spending time with someone he likes and who likes him. But, we did not really get into specifics. The next night we did and it all went downhill.
He started off by saying he had something awkward to discuss with me. He said 'I haven't slept with Molly yet...' and I said 'But didn't she say she doesn't want to sleep with you when you're also in a relationship with me?'
He said 'Yeah, initially.. but it seems like she could be open to sharing me. But she doesn't want to use condoms. So because of my agreement with you, I'm going to have to choose. Unless you are willing to reconsider our agreement'. (We're fluid bonded).
I said, 'No I'm not.. when you have unprotected sex with her, we have to go back to using protection'.
So we got into a lengthy discussion about trust etc, and I had a hard time convincing him how stupid it would be for me to trust someone I don't even know? If she's willing to have unprotected sex with C., without knowing or asking anything about me and my history and other partners and C.'s safer sex practices with me... how could I possibly trust her and be basically fluid bonded with HER?
Anyway, we had a good discussion and in the end I just said 'You know, it's your choice, you know how I feel and what I think, and I trust you to always give me any information I need to make decisions about my health'.
And then we went about our evening but something was off, and all of a sudden I just got so incredibly sad, anxious, and scared. It just hit me that this woman, who he met in october and told me would 'just be a friend to hang out with', is now on the brink of becoming his GF, and he is having to decide wether he's prefer to be fluid bonded with her or me (and I can see where that's going, because of NRE and all).
The night before he had basically declared his love to me, telling me how wonderful I am and how much he loves me and our relationship, and how much he's looking forward to all the fun things we have planned. And so besides being scared about Molly I got mad at myself, for being such a bad poly person, and where's my compersion, why can I not be happy for him? Why is the balance between being needy and being independant so incredibly difficult?
I guess I'm just really scared of change, it makes me feel unsafe in my relationships. Basically - if he told me 'she's just going to be a friend' and move onto 'we kiss, but nothing more' and onto 'she would like to be with me, but only if we can be monogamous' to 'she wants to sleep with me but not while you're around' to 'she wants to sleep with me and thinks she can handle you being in my life'... is it that strange that that is freaking me out? That I think the next step is going to be 'I like her a lot and want to try be in an exclusive relationship with her'?
He SAYS he loves me and does not want to lose me. I want to trust and believe him (and have no reason not to). But, like I said... I'm scared,and anxious.
But I don't want to feel this way. I want to be able to accept whatever comes. I want to be someone who accepts change as the inevitable part of life. Who knows that change can make you sad and mght hurt, but will not be the end of the world. I just don't want to be so fucking anxious all the time....
early forties, straight.