I don't think you're being controlling at all. You haven't done anything to be controlling. R feels neglected because of the decision by J to focus on repairing the damage he did to your marriage by the deceipt and betrayal of trust, and that's understandable, because she was unaware of the deceipt. But J made that decision, not you. You didn't hold a gun to his head, or threaten divorce, or anything like that.
Once that decision had been made by J to revert to monogamy for a while, R began to feel withdrawal symptoms and started acting up. You ask if she was entitled to make demands on him? Well, that's a pretty subjective question, and not particularly constructive. The point is she did, and now you and J have to make decisions as to what to do about it.
It certainly makes sense to work on your couple issues and try hard to reestablish that trust before venturing back out into the polyamory waters. R won't like that obviously, but she if she doesn't respect your marriage then this whole V relationship is doomed.