given the fact that they still barely knew each other, I don't think she was entitled to make demands of him.
Yes she is. If he is in relationship with her, she is entitled to request he share his time with her to grow/cultivate their relationship tier.
I think you could mean she is not entitled to devalue you as a person
-- your feelings, your needs, that you exist in this polyship also. That's different.
So here's my dilemma - given the fact that they still barely knew each other, I don't think she was entitled to make demands of him. I don't think her behavior was appropriate or kosher in any way, and if he hadn't done it on his own I probably would have encouraged him to end the relationship because she's not the kind of person I want involved in our lives. Am I just being a controlling bitch, as she implied? At what point does a new person have the right to make these sorts of demands, if ever? Do you think I'm being too hard on her?
Could choose not to take her comment in bold above
The relationship is over. She did not make the cut with him because she was not respecting his request for space. His time is his to share and he chooses where to share it. Even YOU can only request he share it with you. Ultimately he is in charge of his behavior, not anyone else. Ultimately he decides where he spends his time. Hopefully he spends it in a way where he also keeps the goodwill of all his poly people!
Though he lied to her too, once made aware that she (purposely or not) helped him to break agreements with you, she made no attempt as a metamour to acknowledge your hurt and say something like "I am so sorry. I was not aware."
You felt disrespected and devalued as a person. It is understandable that this does not endear her to you.
You don't polyship in a silo. You polyship with many players and if the goal is a harmonious polyship, could acknowledge that sometimes the shared sweetie has to be present elsewhere. Could acknowledge that there are times for calling into account and making good.
She didn't understand why she was being punished, and she didn't understand why I was so upset because whatever they had done wasn't taking time away from me, and it's not like he cheated.
She processes through her filter. In her own relationship with her BF, the agreements are she doesn't have dates if he's in town and around. So it doesn't "take time away from him." That is their
She could see that you have a different agreement with J and accept the agreements here are different than her own. She doesn't have to agree or want same agreements for herself. But she could just accept that this
is the price of admission to date J. He has THESE agreements with you to keep in his polyship.
That she doesn't get that? Well, it is what it is. Not every person we date is gonna be a runner.
That she views time J needs to make good with you after breaking agreements as a "punishment" to her? It is what it is also. People grow at their own rates.
Hopefully you and J can do the repairs required and come out of this experience on better footing. She is no longer present here. HE is still present here. Could choose to work with who you have present here at this point in time.