Ok...I'm wary of offering advice here, since as a poly newbie, people tend to jump all over it and say 'you have no right to offer advice as a newbie'.
However I'm not a newbie in general relationship terms, and what I have noticed before is that people often accuse you of being controlling when you are simply showing a level of self respect and saying 'this behaviour conflicts with my boundaries'.
I like a utopian idea of poly where everyone has everyone's best interests at heart and respects the group as a whole...as opposed to trying to compete to see who can be number 1. Where somebody is a secondary, but is constantly trying to make themselves primary. I don't see how that kind of behaviour can be conducive to a happy overall group.
Perhaps the more experienced folk here can tell me - is that utopian idea of poly unrealistic? Do any of you have it right now?