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Old 02-19-2013, 03:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,218

I'd like to take your advice, but its very hard to let a good friend go.
I don't see it as letting a friend go. I see it as giving a friend space to sort her problems at home out. You do this in polyshipping anyway -- respect that time with their Other. So I guess I don't see that gesture as being "different" just because you are not "officially polyshipping" with her. Friends and family do this for each other too.

I honestly have no other friends with whom I have been so close.
Could make new friends and cultivate emotional intimacy there. FRIEND friends. Not romantic partner people. Because sooner or later, we all need help from friends -- so along with cultivating the polyship, could cultivate the support network of "general community."

We have had conversations about all of the points you raised and she acknowledges their wisdom. She has come out as poly to her family, which is more than I've been able to do, and she did attempt to renegotiate the communication agreement, but failed. My wife and I had been working on this for years, I can't expect her to make the same progress overnight.
No, but she could ask her spouse if polyshipping is a hard limit NO WAY or if it is a soft limit that could change in time. Ask for his forgiveness and work out what amends she needs to make to regain his trust and goodwill.

Ask him how she is to maintain her professional relationship with you since you work together. Work together to determine something realistic and doable.

And that's all their turf -- you are not a part of that picture yet (if at all.)

For YOU, she could be more clear in her communication. What are you to her? A friend only? A person she wants to date eventually? Not sure? Whatever it is at this point in time, clarify that, determine the next check point and until then keep noses clean.

If we measure our ethics by what makes us feel least yucky, well... I would prefer to remain a messy and imperfect friend than cause us both to loose a friendship on principle.
Could choose to measure your ethics by ETHICS. Keeping good ethical behavior sometimes sucks. One is asked to do things one does not WANT to do, but could do "in the line of duty" or "in service to the greater relationship."

As I see it?
  • If she is ready to leave him, fine. Help her meet her goal to leave in appropriate ways. Watch her dog. Get some U-haul boxes. Clean her new apartment. Whatever.
  • If she is NOT wanting to leave him at this point in time and wants to reconcile with him, fine. Help her meet her goal to reconcile in appropriate ways. Step back and give her space. Encourage her to work with him, seek a counselor. Not talk to you about things that are not appropriate or puts you in the middle.

Could ask her what it is she wants for her goal, and both of you align yourselves toward that goal in your conduct.

Could be her friend first. Truly her friend.

Could worry about being her maybe again lover later.

A proper time and place for everything. Could strive to have everything in its proper time and place. Could think about your shared potential polyship with her -- and could think about giving it the best start time possible. Is starting a new polyship with her in a time of weird the best time your could offer yourself? Her? Your wife? (the Husband, if he's still in it?)


Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-20-2013 at 02:34 AM.
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