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Old 02-19-2013, 02:26 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 8,044

Originally Posted by polyconundrum View Post
I feel like that's what I need to do, detach myself from the situation and him, and distance myself, if you will. And I don't really know how to do that.
I just pretty much explained how in my last post.

You have to DELIBERATELY step back from whatever internal storm rises up, look at the thoughts and feelings that come with it, mustering up as much objectivity as you can, like a scientist who says, "Hmm, what's this about?" In so doing, you gain insight and let go. Because really, as soon as you see that a particular emotion you are indulging in isn't really about what's happening in the present, it is illogical to keep paying credence to it as if it is. Remember: if knowledge is power, then self-knowledge is everything. You could just pretend to yourself that your insight means nothing and keep getting all twisted and feeling attached and codependent, but why? I will often say to myself, "Where am I directing my emotional energy?"

It all has to be deliberate and purposeful - you can't just sit around and say wistfully, "Oh I wish I could detach but I don't know how." I knew that I would be miserable if I kept attaching myself to the want and longing for a lover to give me what he can't give me, so I had to CHOOSE a different direction for my emotional investment. You have to have an active dialogue with yourself in order to know your thought processes and patterns of behavior, so that they no longer have power over you. You're only at the mercy of your own emotional life as long as you choose to stay unconscious about it.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:

Last edited by nycindie; 05-01-2014 at 08:03 AM.
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