View Single Post
Old 02-19-2013, 01:13 AM
polyconundrum polyconundrum is offline
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Somewhere on the west coast of North America
Posts: 13

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
So, for me, the key is lots and lots of self-examination, combined with a little purposeful distance from the situation or person that stirs up too much emotion to see things clearly. I had to look at my feelings and ask myself if they were organic responses to an event happening in the moment, or triggered by my pre-patterned thought processes. Some of my upset was a direct response to things he had said or done, but most of it was wrapped up in my expectations and old patterns, which caused me to feel very attached to him and dependent upon our relationship to validate me.
Yup, that's exactly what happens to me. It's a big battle between what I've been socialized to think and what I think now. And yes, some of it was things he had done recently, and a lot of it was societal upbringing kicking and screaming inside of me.

Often, when I say that, people don't really understand what I mean because they value the attachment. But I don't want my sense of who I am, whether I feel good about myself, etc., to be attached and dependent upon the status of my relationships.
Definitely know what you mean here, but for the longest time, that was really how I felt good about myself. Having relationships that is. That was what made me feel like I was a good person, or not. And yes, that has changed, but I think it's still lingering. Either way I get that.

Through this, I have reached a better place with less expectation placed on him. I also consciously forgave him and myself for some things that had me upset before. That is also very freeing.
I'd really like to get to this place, too.

Does that make sense at all?
It does make sense...Kind of. I feel like that's what I need to do, detach myself from the situation and him, and distance myself, if you will. And I don't really know how to do that. But it did kind of happen after we broke up for a month and then got back together. When we got back together, we took it very slowly and it was more detached and not as crazy-making. Then again, he also wasn't looking for anyone else to date, and neither was I. So while he wasn't dating anyone, I felt like everything was great. I got too comfortable, so when someone else came into his life again, I plunged back into the craziness.
Reply With Quote