Thread: Coming out
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Old 02-18-2013, 10:02 PM
coolkat8 coolkat8 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 11
Default Coming out to friends and problems

Hi all. I've been married 15 years and have a secondary, J who is monogamous and who I've been with for 6 months. Things have been great with J, he makes me so happy and we have been able to build a wonderful relationship. I have only come "out" to a couple friends and they were supportive. My fears are always that I will lose friendships and be judged so I never came out to most friends and no family. J is divorced and does not want to get married again or have kids (he has 3 from a previous marriage). I do not want children so it works well for us. We have done great balancing our time and have had few disagreements. He recently came out to his two close friends who are women. Its been a lot of drama since then. I thought it would make it easier as we go to events together and J and I can be open about our relationship. The one friend L, in particular has been giving him such a hard time and cannot understand our relationship. She thinks its wrong and made him feel bad because I took "vows" and he will be going to hell because of what he is doing. (OMG, I'm so angry even as I write this) She even went so far as to encourage another woman to hit on J at a party which pissed me off so bad. L's arguments with J are as follows:

What do you get out of this relationship? (we did laugh at this one as he is happy and fulfilled with me)

Don't you want someone of your own?

You are going to break up a marriage. (again, no concept of poly)

There were so many single women at the last party last week, why didn't you ask any out? (again, he is monogamous and only wants me, he is 46 and it is harder to find someone you have a connection with)

We went out one night to a bar and L totally ignored me. she knows NOTHING about me as a person. If you are really good friends with a person, wouldn't you want to get to know people they are involved with? ? She is devaluing our relationship like it means nothing by encouraging other women and asking him to ask other women out. Its like it means nothing because I'm not single which is bogus I know. As of right now, I refuse to go to any social functions if L is going to be there. It feels too tense and uncomfortable.

I didn't sleep last night and my husband did say that J has to work this out which I know but I'm still very upset about all this.

any thoughts or advice would be helpful on this.

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