Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat
If he's honestly willing to throw away a marriage because of a friendship, whatever that friend might have been in the past, then he's really not worth fighting for.
I think the real issue isn't that he's willing to throw away a marriage for her having a friendship with someone, it's that she has already proven she will lie to him, cheat on him and with this person in particular. So SHE has proven that her marriage is not worth getting to be all sneaky.
Sorry I'm coming from the cheater's perspective. I find it ridiculous to tell my husband that yes I cheated on you with this person but NOW we just want to be friends! Oh yeah, I did lie to you AFTER you found out about still talking to him, and I am STILL lying to you about seeing him and being friends but NOW you have to trust me and let me be friends!
(No I don't believe in the whole 'let me' BS either.) Essentially what this woman is saying is, my marriage is not worth me taking the time to care. Sorry, can't take the time to back off of a relationship that was NOT ethical or honest and was in fact a betrayal of OUR relationship. Yes I SAID I was going to back off so we could work on our marriage but, it's too hard. (whine whine) And I want this other person NOW. So I'm going to just continue lying to you and do what I want anyway, k?
Not okay. Whether she CAN have a 'just friendship' with him or not is not the issue. It's that she is STILL lying. Why the husband has to suddenly be comfortable with a relationship she has, friend/lover/whatever, that is based on continually lying and betrayal is beyond me. Read any resource on people that cheat, just like people that abuse their partners the first step is always, cut it off. Get away from the abuser, leave the affair.
If you are married and trying to make the marriage work, then yeah, you suck it up and work on the honest communication there. Normally I'd be all, well maybe if they leave all communication open. As DH and I did, he was able to read all emails, IMs, know all our communication if he wanted to. Until trust was established. At this point though, she is not even TRYING to establish trust, to put it on the betrayed partner who STILL can't trust his partner and by her and the OPs actions SHOULDN'T is crap. Period.
OP: If you really want a friendship, then make friends. I urge you to go ahead and 'switch places'. How would you feel if your spouse was doing this to you? Was lying to you, while you two are working on your relationship to make it stronger, you find out that all this time, she was lying to you. She was saying A but doing B. Would you honestly feel like it was all right? You are trying to make it sound all right, that maybe it's a bad marriage, maybe he's not a good partner, all so you can have what you want. Truthfully, you think your wife couldn't tell a sob story about what a shit you are for your affair and get someone to take her side and make you out to be a bad guy? It's easy enough to make someone else sound like the bad guy when it gets you what you want, but I promise you, you won't be as easy going about it when YOU are the one being made out to be the bad guy so someone else can lie to you and get what they want.