new and nervous
Hi to everyone on this board
I'm new to the site and hoping for some shared experience, maybe some advice. I'll try to be succinct and describe my situation. I've been married monogamously for 12 years, 2 young children. Previous quite long (and mostly long distance) relationship in which I cheated a couple of times (as did my partner but neither of us were open about it). I've been working on being more emotionally open and honest for several years. The idea of having more than one loving and intimate relationship has always been with me, didn't know until about a year ago it had a name and a community!
Couple of years ago I met another man I liked immediately, grew to love, became very close. He's openly poly. I decided to talk to my husband a couple of months ago. He's beyond hurt and angry and I can now see that I didn't anticipate his feelings, tried so hard to talk compassionately but ultimately rushed it and it's very hard to see a way through it now. I love him and am trying to help him and look after him. In addition, I don't want to break up my family. I've ended contact with my friend (and his partner, also a good friend). At the moment I feel so much pain and loss... which I can deal with in time. I think he is hurting too and I don't know how to deal with that. But I can't yet let go the desire for intimate relationships outside my marriage although I know staying monogamous, possibly being more closed than I was before, is the only way to stay in my current relationship. I know many of you will think I was basically cheating (though my other relationship wasn't physical) and that's not ethical but I was trying to change...
I know on paper it's a straightforward choice. Basically, what I want to know is: has anyone remained monogamous and been happy and felt the sacrifice of one side of yourself, or the letting go of some needs, or working to get more needs met in the mono relationship, was doable over time and worth it for the sake of spouse and family? Thanks for listening