why do i feel like this? this raging need to cry, scream or take her by her red hair and slam her head in a wall for asking him to come over to have dinner with her and her son, and because they will be drinking, he should spend the night? i don't know. i wish i did and knew where it came from, so i could go in with a knife and cut the shit out. i hate being jealous, hate feeling slighted, but i hate explaining to my kids again why daddy is not home to say goodnight. but it's a perfectly valid point, and one i would have made myself.
~it don't get like this when i know it's wednesday or saturday (their date night where he stays over there overnight) but it is on the days that they aren't "supposed" to be together that i get this upset. i don't have any rights to be upset... except that we agreed that i didn't want him to spend 4 nights a week over there, and she finds ways to get him to come over additional nights other than his date nights. they "have" to connect one way or another every day. its never instead of, which i would be good with, it's in addition to~
she might have cancer damnit! she is allowed to want time with her boyfriend and have him hang with her and her son! and she is allowed to favor being in a hetero relationship with him after her break-up with her lesbian lover than to show interest in me. she didn't even know i had a crush until after they fell in love. and he is allowed to go and do his own thing in his own time with whom-ever he pleases. if i want my freedom, i have to give him his. he can't help it that i don't have anyone really to talk to or work this out with. he can't help it that i really haven't chosen to have a life, i have hidden in my room for the past x years and watched the children. that is my doing.
but joining a poly dating site is my doing...joining this forum is my doing as well. and writing this shit down. and actually voicing the fact that i am not bound by society's idea of what love and morality and partnership means. that i am available to fall in love even while i love my asshole lion. maybe someone will be able to help me work out these stupid emotions and give me some like minded people to discourse with, develop relationships and maybe help me not be so lonely. i need to come out of my shell and face my fears, and allow people to know me.
crab-lion: 42 y/o bi woman domestic partner w/lion
lion: 39 male hetero domestic partner w/crab-lion
twin: bi woman lion's girlfriend/almost lover
d: hetero woman lion's long distance girlfriend