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Old 02-18-2013, 02:15 AM
hyperskeptic hyperskeptic is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 451
Default Still Here

Against my better judgment, I'm still lurking on this forum, trying to sort things out.

After enduring one of the bleakest Christmas seasons I can remember, things have begun at least to stabilize between my wife and me. She's gone off on another jaunt to Europe, since then, and it was . . . less awful than the one before.

Things are still complicated, and I'm still baffled by many aspects of my situation, but I'm less despondent about the whole thing.

My resolve to be de facto monogamous has been wavering, in the last few weeks, which introduces agonies all its own. I don't think I was wrong in my assessment of my situation, the time and resources I have available to me, the risk of failing in my existing commitments if I start trying to make room for a new relationship.

But I long for a new relationship.

A hundred different perspectives on that longing are clamoring in my brain, pulling me this way and that: Give in! Resist! Grow up! Relax! It's okay! Who cares? Do your duty! Do what you want! Don't be pathetic! Don't be creepy! Go for it!

It doesn't help (But it does! No it doesn't!) that my affection for a particular person is growing more intense. This is an attraction with some history to it, someone on whom I had a professionally inappropriate crush a couple of years ago; the professional obstacle is no longer relevant, and I do see her, from time to time, in other contexts. Suffice it to say that the crush, which went dormant for a long time, especially during my relationship with Nyx, has rekindled.

I had a terrible flare-up this weekend, and it delights and worries and torments and frustrates and annoys me no end.

I've been trying to walk a tight-rope where she is concerned, opening up communication with her, trying to create opportunities for us to meet and interact - we had a very nice talk over lunch a few weeks ago - without giving in to my impulse to lay my heart at her feet.

What holds me back is that I keep thinking of it from her point of view. The question from the end of my relationship with Nyx still resonates: What do I really have to offer another person, I mean really?

Here I am, a busy professional with an often-absent wife, two children, and lots of other commitments to a community of which I am a part. There's not a lot left over.

Besides that, I'm about a dozen years older than her, and she was once my student. That puts a troubling edge of creepiness on the whole thing, seen from her point of view.

So, I tell myself not to be ridiculous . . . but I'm still drawn to her, more powerfully than I've been drawn to anyone in a really long time. I tell myself that what I'm really drawn to may just be my own fantasy; I tell myself not to be delusional.

And so it goes.

There's another voice clamoring for attention in my head, telling me that posting this is a waste of time, that I really shouldn't hit "submit reply".

Oh, well. Here goes . . .

Last edited by hyperskeptic; 02-18-2013 at 02:59 AM. Reason: grammatical pickiness
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