Thread: Help, please...
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Old 02-17-2013, 04:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I have threatened multiple times to end it for him.
Could stop threatening your partner. Let him deal with his relationship management and time management with her.

Could refocus him on meeting his obligations in his relationship with YOU instead.

Quote:
He says if I do he will be miserable.
Well, you could not threaten him. That's one thing.

Second? Whether he feels yummy things or yucky things with her? Could let him deal with his emotional management with her.

If he requests a moment of your time and wants nurture/support airing out his other relationship problems? You could choose to say

"Yes I am willing right now" or "No, I am not willing right now to listen to things about your other relationship."

Everyone could hold their own bag.

Quote:
I am honestly worried he will leave me.
Well, him leaving is on him. That could happen polyship oir not. He controls his behavior.

Are you able to be on your own independent of him? (finances secure, home secure, food secure, etc?) Could make sure you are safe in these areas if he does take off. Then you don't have to worry about it from that angle, and then you don't have to worry.

Could this...

Quote:
Originally we made a deal that he sees her 3 nights a week and I get 4 nights a week. But every minute he spends with her I resent it. Plus, anytime he has anything else on the go it always takes away from one of my nights, never hers because he claims he sees me more with the daytime hours we spend together.
...be reframed like this?

Quote:
I am unhappy with my partner. Originally we made a deal that he sees her 3 nights a week and I get 4 nights a week.
Anytime he has anything else come up, it takes away from one of my nights. It is never her nights because he claims he sees me more with the daytime hours we spend together.

I do not consider "daytime mundane times" as "quality date times" so I do not agree this is fair. I am also not being given a voice in the things that concern me. I am not being asked to consider so it could be MY generosity giving up the time, or MY collaborating to help find a happy medium solution... rather than HIS dictating to me making unilateral decisions for the couple. So I grow resentful of him for treating me this way.

I also grow resentful of every minute he spends with her because she gets the "fun date time" I crave with him.

I grow resentful of her because she seems to get more consideration and wooing from him than me.
Is that the right ball park? If so, could request that he date/woo you. Could request that he stick to the schedule. Could request that if something else comes up -- he could say NO to that other thing because his time is already compromised elsewhere with wife and GF. There's only 24 hours in a day.

Do not threaten or demand. Request. "Could you be willing to _____?"

Then observe. Behavior done/not done. Note it. And if he continues to not hold up to his end of the agreements present him not with your feelings. But with HIS behavior done/not done and ask him what his plan is to change his behavior, if any.

"We have an agreement of 4 days for me and 3 days for her. In the last 4 weeks it has been X nights with me. This is not in keeping with our agreement. What changes in your behavior do you plan to make in the next 4 weeks to reconcile this and make good on our agreement?"
Then you can make your next move in YOUR behavior.

Which is either to
  • change the agreements to better reflect current wants, needs, and limits of all parties
  • accept him how he is (horrible at time management) and learn to expect less of him so you are not disappointed
  • expect same but remove him from the "partner slot" he currently occupies so you are not disappointed
  • do nothing, let time pass and see if new info arises to change the situation (certainly with babies coming things will change soon enough!)
  • do something else I can't think of right now
  • do some kind of mix and match thing of all the above

I know you hurt, and I am sorry. It's hard to keep a clear head when facing a lot of strong emotion within (inside yourself) and without. (from his corner)

Sun is sun. Rain is rain. Emotion is emotions. Feelings can fly sky high sometimes! Do your best to let it blow on through, and land it back to Earth here. Where you can choose YOUR behavior.
  • Focus on what you want more of rather than what you do not want.
  • Note what are the behaviors done/not done? Forget about the talk. Talk is cheap. DEEDS, not creeds.
  • Request changes be made and collaborate on a new possible solution.
  • Try a new way of going and set a time to re-evaluate to see if that helped the couple fly better.

Could see if that attitude/approach of "take action!" serves you any better and gets this thing moving forward again to a healthier space for you.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 02-17-2013 at 04:57 AM.
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