View Single Post
  #45  
Old 01-04-2010, 09:51 PM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
Posts: 5,033
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tahirabs View Post
If it wasn't for the people you love (the people you have a polyamourse relationship with) would you be poly at all?

I know I wouldn't and that is why I am writing this. If I never met my girlfriend I wouldn't be going out looking for other people. I wouldn't be in love with any one else other than my husband if it wasn't for her. It is her that makes my husband and my relationship poly. (which he loves by the way) Does anyone else feel this way?
For me personally-no. I knew I was able and DID love multiple people as long as I can recall. As early as gradeschool I recall those feelings.
However-I daresay that for at least one and probably both of the men I am involved with-they would be monogomous if it weren't for being in love with me. So the concept of what you describe is not new to me or "odd" to me either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Ah yes, I think this is an excellent distinction. Commitment, at least the way I define it, doesn't "gloss over" fundamental details in terms of values and goals. It might make you feel like you wish to stay around to find some common ground, even when you suspect there is not, but once it is final that goals or values are incompatible, then no amount of commitment will cause the relationship to be a happy one.

In my own situation and when helping others, i have have recommended that people think about what they want in terms of the "bottom lines" - what do they absolutely need in order to be happy. This isn't always the complete list of things they would *like*. Once you work out your bottom line you can compare with the others that you are trying to have a relationship with - if there are some clashes in those bottom lines, then there's really no point in continuing to thrash about - bottom-lines are non-negotiable things and the only way to force it to work is if someone gives up something that is vitally important to them for the "sake of the relationship". They won't be happy, and resentment and anger will creep in.
I know for me the need for common goals, values isn't necessarily REQUIRED-but it sure as hell makes things go smoother!
What I think should be-(but hasn't been held to in my life thus far) is the willingness of all parties to FULLY accept and support each other in their own goals and values.
I have found it IS possible to love and care for people with different goals and values then mine in many cases-but I find it VERY VERY toxic if that gift isn't returned equally...
Those bottomlines are certainly a big deal. I think one HUGE issue is that most (my opinion here not a proven fact) people don't have a clue what their REAL bottomlines are. So they end up changing them as they go along, endlessly leaving their loved ones confused and baffled as to what the hell the situation really is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
But in real life, things don't always go as planned, there can be unexpected factors like health problems, job loss, economic downturns, inflation that requires budgets to be constantly updated, and sometimes the only way to get through all the crap life throws at you is to have some kind of support network- which in other eras usually meant extended family, but poly can definitely be that.

...one of the benefits of being in a live-in poly relationship is having multiple other adults to share the work of running a household, and have more incomes with little increase in expenses. It's just not reasonable to expect to get those benefits without making an emotional investment in the person/people providing them---unless of course you just get a roommate and figure out a fair way to divide everything up.
This is one of the key reasons we had a poly-family long before there was sex involved. Having 3-4 adults in the home has ensured that the kids always have someone available to care for them. Additionally this has allowed us to take turns being "out of work" for extended periods of time with little or no negative impact on the family and allow for vacations and breaks that normally wouldn't be financially feasible without the additional income.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I don't identify as polyamorous or monogamous. I suppose I identify as "healthyamorous". I like to be in good healthy relationships....Not because it fulfills some innate poly nature of mine, but because it fulfills my hopes for healthy loving connections.
Can we create that word in our definitions list? I like it. Healthyamorous. I think that is what I would strive for. I willingly acknowledge that I've had some very unhealthy relationships for a variety of reasons. This last year or two has been a HUGE emotional growing time for me. Almost a time of "coming into myself" and I've found that in doing this growing I'm becoming more and more disinterested in relationships that are toxic or "holding me back" from the "best me I can be".

Quote:
Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
Yeah, without the entire history, it could seem that way...But we'd been friends for a long time before I finally managed to get out of a very bad marriage, and they did a lot to support me and it's gone back and forth, and we care about each other and we're all sure about being good friends and being pretty involved in each other's lives....the point of contention is that she'd never even thought about poly before I finally got rid of the douchebag. The first time I lived with them was during a temporary separation from my ex, and that was when I sort of settled into a role in their household, and everything just kind of clicked.
I think that the key here is that you all need to sit down and really study yourselves and what each of your bottomlines is. Because as it appears-no there is no amount of commitment that will make this situation feasible.
But I can say from experience, what someone THINKS is their bottom line is often not when they REALLY sit down and "study it".
For example, when Maca faced down and figured out that his fear of being alone was the driving force behind his "bottomline" of not having a poly-relationship. He figured out that his fear was actually more likely to come true if he insisted on being mono. THEN he figured out that in fact he actually has PERSONAL benefits in allowing himself to let go of that fear AND personal benefits in allowing himself to have a poly-relationship. Those personal benefits far outweigh the "safety net" lie he was creating in a mono relationship to "protect" himself from being alone...
It very well may be that if you ALL were to sit down and really look at what hte driving forces were behind your bottomlines-some of them (or all of them) might actually change when/if you each faced down the truth of the driving forces behind them. (they may not as well).

If they did-then it may be that you three COULD come to a commitment that would work for all of you.
__________________
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote