For me here I always agreed that the hierarchy of poly world did not work for me either. I thought it was degrading.
Well than I donated my kidney and my wife went into the hospital 2 seperate things that changed a few ideals for me. My lover got very upset she was not able to sit in on some of the drs meetings and go into the OR and things like that. I had to fight hard to get visitation and stuff for my wife's lover.
All this opened my eyes that yes my wife and I are primary in the first to call for money and hospital things.... And we are very invested by 15 years in each others lives where our lovers loving with us or not had less invested and less I interest in these matters.
This is when I broke my thinking of the fact that yes there is a hierarchy format in my life. Not my ideal choice however it is the one that works in cases of emergency. My lovers husband has to be the first called and my wife is the first called in any emergency and these people have first rights to make those important needed choices when the other can not.
I do write they have equal say in my medical needs however the wife gets the top line.
All this said no one is loved any different or less. Just they way our lives have been built up
Together over time and the foundation blocks of our relationship.
I still understand what and why you are asking.