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Old 02-15-2013, 10:42 AM
InsaneMystic InsaneMystic is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 261

Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
My experience has been that relationship can be defined differently, even between the two people theoretically having it. With my last relationship before Pidge, after 5 years of involuntary celibacy on my part, I thought of myself as his former girlfriend/current health aide. He was still thinking of, and describing us to others as a romantic couple. If he had been the type of man for whom a poly relationship might have worked, perhaps things would be different. But in my book, one person calling it a relationship doesn't make it so, if the other person defines it differently.
Oh, definitely! Remember my definition of partnership above? Everyone involved calling "the thing they have" by that name pretty much is the one and only criterion for something being a partnership, IMO. If only one calls it such, you don't have a partner, you have a problem... possibly even a stalker.

(as an aside to @InfinitePossibility: that's why I would not refer to a human and a dog as partners - the dog, obviously, has not agreed to the use of that word. )

That's not what I meant when I mentioned "charity sex" and involuntary celibacy, though. I was talking about a partnership (agreed upon to be one, by both peeps involved) between an asexual and a sexual person. By definition, the asexual will never feel "the hots" for their partner - so if they plan to keep it closed/monogamous, some form of compromise is needed: either the ace offering sex as a favor of love without being into it much (which I've heard many sexual partners of aces refer to as "charity sex", with a definite undertone of frustration; however, there also are a bunch of cases where compromise like this can work fine for everyone involved!), or the sexual saying goodbye to their sex life completely for the time of their partnership.

I'm really glad that there's a third option once you let go of the monogamy model... the sexual's sex life being a part of them they can share with someone else. Works for R. and me in a way that keeps both of us happy without any feelings of sacrifice or guilt trips. Neither of the two previous options would work for me - I couldn't stomach the thought of having sex with anyone, including her; neither could I live with the guilt of having sentenced her to an end of her sex life as the price of being my partner.

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I want to express myself physically with people I am romantically involved with. I know I definitely could not get involved with an asexual person, nor someone whose life situation or other relationships would prevent me from getting laid.
Just to keep any possible misunderstandings nipped in the bud: There's nothing at all wrong with that decision of yours that "no sex" will be a dealbreaker for you; if anything, I applaud you for having that clarity.

If you know what does and what does not work for you, a definite hard limit right from the start is, IMO, much preferrable to trying messing around with an unworkable compromise that's going to end up hurting everyone involved.

Last edited by InsaneMystic; 02-15-2013 at 10:50 AM.
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