Originally Posted by Mya
The situation with you and Davis sounds a bit confusing. I mean I guess your signature line is right when it says "It's complicated". I hope you can sort it out and be something that both of you are comfortable with.
It IS confusing. I mean, I'm talking about potentially having a non-sexual relationship (more exploration on that topic here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40624
) with Gia and a sexual non-relationship with Davis. That would seem pretty backwards to most people, I imagine.
With Gia, I honestly don't think it'll come to that. I mean, we'll see, and I'm trying to become comfortable with the idea just in case, but I believe we'll be screwing each other again down the line, I do.
And then there's Davis. After a tumultuous early history, we were fwb's for years without incident. Things shifted for us a year and a half ago when we decided to try being partners again, with the specific goal of becoming primary partners. But... it never really gelled. I never got comfortable with the idea of moving in together, of starting to build a life together in the way we'd talked about. And he never quite threw himself into building the partnership on his end either -- he was, as he told me today, waiting for me to make a move, not quite trusting that I would. It was sort of a long period of limbo.
So... what now, now that we've officially given up on the life partners idea? Leave each other's lives completely, stay friends but keep it platonic, or go back to being fwb's? At first I'd thought the first option was the right and necessary one. He's monogamous and he deserves a partner, but how, I asked myself, can he move on and find someone new with me still around? The idea of losing him from my life consistently drove me to tears, but I was sure it was right. Thank goodness, he pointed out to me the condescension of that stance, as well as how much our friendship means to us both, and convinced me that staying friends was the better thing to do for us both.
Friends, then. Of course, as friends, we've pretty much always had a sexual charge between us, it'd be hard to imagine that at SOME point we wouldn't sleep together again. But the idea of leaving the possibility of sex in the mix was giving me an even greater deal of pause. A couple people that I'd spoken to about it suggested that it was a bad idea. I thought that they might have good points, that if I left that door open, as natural as it seemed to be to do so on one level, I might be encouraging him to cling to the idea of something with me that he wasn't going to get, and discouraging him from maybe trying again with someone new.
How tempting it was to think of continuing to enjoy the easy, comfortable and intimate friendship that he and I have always had. Of sort of re-setting to before we started to try dating again... keeping all the good stuff, the conversation and the camaraderie and the closeness, without the pressure, without having to agonize over whether or not I wanted to commit to this man and this relationship above all others. But could it possibly be that simple?
Well, we had a REALLY good conversation today and I'm beginning to think that, yeah, maybe it could be. We both laid it all out on the table. He explained that, in his mind, in a way we never really even moved on from being fwb's. We may have intended to, but without taking any concrete steps it wasn't real to him. That's why it was so easy for him to take this "breakup" well. He said that, in fact, he'd been thinking for a couple of months of suggesting the same thing, that we let the idea of partnership go, that he set me free from the semi-monogamous bounds I'd been adhering to for his sake.
He resisted the notion of breaking up when I brought it up, because he was still torn about it, and because nobody likes being rejected, but in his heart a large part of him had already accepted that this wasn't going to work out how we'd envisioned. I was kind of shocked to hear that he'd felt that way, but also greatly relieved.
For my part, I explained everything I've written above. I told him how I've felt guilt at the idea of getting to enjoy friendship and intimacy with him when it seems like it might be at the cost of him finding another partner. How I have a very hard time believing this could really be ok. He responded with candor to everything I said. He admitted that he might well be very hurt if/when I end up forming a partnership with someone else in the way I couldn't with him. It will be a bridge to either cross or burn when we get there. But, he said that he considers our friendship, our depth of understanding with each other, to be too valuable to sacrifice. He said that now, when he thinks about us growing old together, he can picture it being as best friends, and not necessarily as an old married couple.
Wow. To be that flexible, that logical about it... color me impressed. But I believed him, I didn't think he was lying to try to hold onto me by any means necessary, y'know? It was genuine.
And, more than that, his actions the last few days have all borne out the notion that this "new normal" really is ok. Is, in fact, better than the way things had been. For instance, Gia happened to also be at the lecture that he and I attended last night. Afterwards, the two of them spoke about some of the ideas that had been raised. They haven't spoke to each other in MONTHS, and he's always been sort of taciturn around her. Not so anymore, apparently.
Another thing, a friend of mine has been interested in practicing Japanese rope bondage on me (with me clothed) for some time. I'd brought it up to Davis, and he'd been uncomfortable with the idea of my friend and I doing that on our own. I suggested that maybe he could watch, learn a few things. He'd been non-committal. While he didn't outright reject the idea, I also couldn't pin him down on it. I brought it up again the other day and he said yes right away, we set a date.
Finally, the most striking thing -- we've agreed to hang out every Wednesday night. We didn't have a date night when we were dating, but now that we've broken up we have one. o_0 Just... it's kind of stunning how much better things feel, and how much smoother they're flowing, now that we've re-framed our connection.
Heh, I have NO idea how to explain this to either of our sets of parents.