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Old 02-15-2013, 01:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by polyconundrum View Post
I never really dated anyone who was committed to me, who thought of me before themselves or at least equally, I never felt like I was really taken into consideration about anything...
Do you put yourself first? It's not wrong of other people to not put you first. They need to put themselves first, as you have to put yourself first. I like to use the analogy of the oxygen masks on an air plane. If you pass out while you're helping someone put their mask on, you're not going to be any good to anyone.

Originally Posted by polyconundrum View Post
it's a lot of external stuff that I'm not happy with (work being one
I've found that whether I hate or love my job has a huge impact on every single aspect of my life. Do you have any room to manoeuvre there? I know it's a tough economy right now, but that might be a good place to look for change.

Originally Posted by polyconundrum View Post
And that was always something that attracted me to poly - being able to have multiple relationships. But when the person I'm in a relationship with is dating other people, that's when the jealousy comes in. It's totally hypocritical and I realize that.
It's not hypocritical to feel jealousy, only to put restrictions on your partners that you yourself won't agree to follow.

The other thing going on here for me I think is that I want something different than my partner does, but we've used the word "primary" or something similar to describe our relationship (yes, I know there's lots of controversy around that word).
It's not so much controversy, as some people have chosen not to use hierarchical labels to refer to their own relationships. Too few people to create a "controversy" actually reject the idea that others should be "allowed" to use them.

We've had the talk about how we see each other as "primaries" in terms of emotional connection because we are more emotionally connected than just being FWBs, but we're nowhere near being committed in the sense that we are going to live together and have kids or anything like that. I would like to have that with someone eventually, though, and lately I've wanted "eventually" to turn into "sooner rather than later." But my partner doesn't want that. So that adds another layer of frustration to the whole thing and makes me think I should just "downgrade" my relationship with my partner and look for someone who is more interested in that kind of relationship.
Of people who do use Primary/secondary labels, it generally doesn't limit the kinds of feelings you can have for one another, i.e. the emotional connection you're talking about, but rather practical matters like time commitments and level of "intermingling" between your lives (i.e. living together, kids, shared accounts). You can love your secondary just as much as you love your primary.

There are solo-poly folks who think of themselves as their primary partner, and all their other partners as secondary, regardless of the level of emotions involved. I've also met monogamous people who are familiar with polyamory and refer to their job as their primary partner. Although they date people and have romantic relationships, they make it clear that their job is always going to come first. Obviously that's not you because you hate your job, but my point is just that you don't have to have a Primary partner in order for someone else to be considered your secondary.

But...Can you do that? When you have such an emotional connection to someone, can you just "downgrade" how you feel about them?
Well, I can, but I'm pretty fickle and self-involved. I can't say whether you can. In general, yes, it's "allowed." But not everyone is capable of staying with someone while downgrading their emotions. Some people are "all or nothing" lovers, others can tone it down but need time apart to let the emotions settle. Only you can determine where you fall on that scale.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 02-15-2013 at 01:21 AM.
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