Is this whole poly thing right for me?
I realize I'm the only one who can really answer that question. But there's a lot going on in my head and I can't keep it all straight, so maybe you can help me unravel it.
I don't know where to start...
I never thought I was a jealous person. When I was in monogamous relationships, I would get jealous from time to time, but it wasn't something that completely ruined my relationships. And then I start dating someone and we're polyamorous, and the jealousy factor skyrockets. Not only jealousy, but anger and resentment, too.
Every time my partner has started seeing someone else, this has happened. I get extremely worried he is going to leave me, I get extremely jealous of whatever they are doing that I'm not a part of, and I feel like I'm a completely inadequate person because I can't provide everything to my partner. It's happened three times now. The first time, we even had to break up for a month because I was so upset.
My partner is now sort of dating someone else. They've had 3 dates, and they've fooled around. I knew about their first date, and that was fine. Their second date, he told me in the morning that he had spent the night with her the night before, which was a big surprise to me. He told me they had fooled around, and I got very depressed and jealous. I felt hurt, rejected, and kept thinking to myself "Why is he doing this TO ME?"
I realized this thinking comes from the fact that I've been hurt so much in the past. Who hasn't, right? My first boyfriend (ever) cheated on me, and it went downhill from there. I never really dated anyone who was committed to me, who thought of me before themselves or at least equally, I never felt like I was really taken into consideration about anything...I basically never had a good relationship after that first guy.
I also realized I have been such a victim of social conditioning. Again, who hasn't? But I have these feelings that I want my partner to only be sleeping with me, to only be seeing me, and I sometimes feel so selfish about our relationship. Even though when we started dating we agreed that we would be poly - because we had both decided that's what we wanted to do before we had even met, and it's what brought us together in the first place.
He saw the other girl last night, too. I was already really depressed because I kept thinking about how I don't know if I can keep doing this, I don't know if this kind of lifestyle is right for me, I don't know if I can unlearn everything I've learned and de-sensitize myself from all the experiences I've had. They were in the past, but when he starts seeing someone else, they come rushing back and it's as if they're right here in the present again. So, when he told me he would be seeing her, I started getting pissed. I was angry, and not only because he was seeing her but also because of all the confusion and jealousy I was having. It just escalated everything, and I collapsed in a sort of heap of, "I don't know if I can do this. I don't think this is the lifestyle for me. I can't do this."
I thought I could do it. Poly in theory sounded so great when I first decided to make that my lifestyle (this was a little over a year ago, but I have known about poly for much longer than that as I've had friends over the years who have been poly). Now that I'm doing it in practice, I'm questioning if I can do it.
I'm seeing someone else, sort of. I'm so busy with my life it's hard to see her often. But the fact that I'm also seeing someone else doesn't seem to be helping with the fact that my partner is also seeing someone else. I thought it would, but it doesn't seem to be.
There are some other factors involved, like my feelings for my partner are stronger than his are for me, and he doesn't want to think about "the future" with another person and basically I don't have any hope of us being in a more committed relationship while still being open because he just doesn't want to commit, but I'm at the point in my life where I'd like to develop more of a life partnership with someone. Not being on the same page in that way seems to be really messing this all up for me in my head.
Well, this was a long winded post, and I'm sorry for that. But I'd like to hear people's thoughts and welcome any (thoughtful, respectful) advice.
Thank you for reading.