I agree that an ultimatum is not something I would advise. The thing is that at the time it did not really feel like an ultimatum. I remember being so very shocked when I saw my husbands sadness, he was visibly upset and crying and for the first time in 10 years, he showed me what my fear was doing to HIM. How it was affecting his life.
It's hard! I think probably the most loving thing you can do is to live your own best life. Take care of yourself the way you would want him to take care of himself... if that makes sense...
early forties, straight.