I'm afraid I don't have any additional insight to offer to the OP - the others have done a great job. I think you are doing a great job working through your feelings and I think that it's great that you realize that working through your "wants, needs, limits" is important even if J takes the potential for a relationship with D "off the table." (So many people seem to only be willing to put time and energy into their relationships - including their relationship with themselves - when that relationship is threatened in some way, not realizing that the effort is worthwhile even if there is no immediate
Originally Posted by Cleo
In the end, you cannot really control the amount of openness in your relationship(s), because there are other people involved whose behavior you can't control. You can control the level of openness you execute. You could say, for instance: "I will never lie for you or for D. If there is ever a situation where it would be asked of me to lie about her cheating, I won't do it. Just so you know, that is the risk you have to take".
Cleo - I wanted to say that this really resonated with me. I don't get close to people easily, I am very guarded (introvert that I am). The only friends I have are CLOSE friends - and I realized that the sentiment that you expressed here is actually a very hard boundary for me. I won't lie or keep (dishonest) secrets for ANYONE in my personal life - and if that means that I can't get close to someone then...we won't be close. This doesn't mean that I feel any need to run around and tell other people personal information (I don't gossip, for instance). BUT I won't "hide" something from my husband if it is relevant, I won't "cover" for someone's bad behavior - I don't need that kind of stress and drama in my life, I refuse to cater to it.