Originally Posted by lemonhead
Yeah, that would have been a good idea. Sigh. What happened was this:
On Friday night a mutual friend of all of ours and a well-loved member of the local poly/queer/feminist/etc community died suddenly. He left behind a pregnant wife and young child. We were (are) all reeling. In the middle of the night (always a great plan, esp. for me /sarcasm) I realized that I had not been telling D that I love him, which I was holding off on both out of fear and to give the whole situation some time and space, but that I couldn't in good conscience keep my feelings a secret any longer, because hey, we could all die at any time. I have a policy of telling people I love them and have been breaking that with him for the past few weeks. So what did I do? Messaged P asking her if she could be okay with me making that choice. Argh. Wrong thing to do. Yes, I should have had a conversation with D. I won't go into details but let's just say this message made P really uncomfortable, and then the whole situation was way more uncomfortable than before, even. I believe it's been resolved, and I've promised both of them repeatedly that from now on I will take my relationship issues with D, to D.
Hey, it's okay. Sometimes life jumps out and smacks you - and your perspective changes. Somebody dies - that's big, you see your mortality looming, what if something happened to one of you and you never said it - and regretted it forever.? OK - in the short term, the response was not smooth, ruffles and ripples happened. You guys will sort it out. In the long term it may turn out that being brought face-to-face with your raw feelings was exactly what ended up prompting them to sort some shit out. In the meantime, you learned something about how you need to relate to people you are involved with on various levels - let them own their own stuff, talk to the right folks about the right issues, etc.
One of the reasons my "Ask me in 10 years" (from my earlier post) turned into us all living together 6 mos later as a happy 3 person "chosen family" was because my husband, MrS, had a car accident that COULD have been really, really bad. Thankfully no one was hurt - but that experience shifted his perspective. He realized, on a gut-level, that life is short and we should do what we can to make our lives as love-filled as possible, to see the ones that we care about happy and cared for. That if something HAD happened to him that night that he would feel BETTER knowing that there was someone there caring for me, grieving with me...and loving me. Someone that he knew and trusted, someone that loved him too. (Sorry, I'm tearing up just thinking about those weeks, the conversations we had between the two of us, the conversations we had with Dude - how privileged I felt(feel)to have someone love me THAT much.)
We never know what would have been the outcome if we had made other choices - we often think "Oh, I should have done this-and-such - and it would have turned out thus-and-so-on way." But you DON'T know - you can't. So, you make your choices the best way that you can with the information that you have and you play out the hand, making more choices at each turn, and you learn and grow as you go.
May your Journey be fulfilling.