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Old 02-14-2013, 03:06 AM
lemonhead lemonhead is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
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Thanks so much for your response. It offers me some needed perspective. I realized today that although I've been a metamour, my only real dealings with metamours have been in really messy situations that didn't offer any positive learning experiences (things to work on... anxieties to overcome... but not so much constructive learning). So I think some of the issue here is just me getting used to letting them worry about their relationship and me simply being a good metamour and girlfriend instead of worrying about how the two of them are doing all the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Now they are each experiencing the "other side" seriously for the first time...it's all new again. They will make mistakes (I know I did, I suspect you did as well) - as long as they take the time to communicate and work on them mistakes can be overcome.
Good point, and very valid. I need to remember that there will be bumps along that road but they have both shown the desire and ability to work through those bumps, so it's a matter of letting that happen.



Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
The fact that you were not aware of what her pre/after care requirements are from him is actually FINE from my perspective. That is HIS responsibility and he needs to really OWN it. These are agreements/boundaries/expectations that HE has with HER.

Yes, if you are aware of a boundary and know that he is close to breaking it then, as a friend, you can be supportive of him and encourage him to keep those promises. But it is not YOUR job to babysit his relationship with his wife and enforce their boundaries FOR her. It is your job to respect their relationship and follow the agreements/boundaries that YOU have agreed to. (There are other valid perspectives - my husband and I actually do not agree on this one.)
I can see both sides. I do agree with you, and I think you're right... but I think the other element is making sure that there is some communication between all three of us, so at least I'm on the same track and can manage my expectations. We are working on that, though, and as far as I know it seems to be coming along well.



Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Could go like this:
"D, I am interested in ramping up what we have started but I have concerns that you and P are not in a good place for that right now. Are YOU interested in starting things back up again or do you need more time to set things right with P? I'm worried that if we cool off much further then I am going to start suppressing my feelings, so I don't get hurt. On the other hand, I am worried that if we don't do this well that we will lose you two as friends. What are your thoughts?"
Yeah, that would have been a good idea. Sigh. What happened was this:
On Friday night a mutual friend of all of ours and a well-loved member of the local poly/queer/feminist/etc community died suddenly. He left behind a pregnant wife and young child. We were (are) all reeling. In the middle of the night (always a great plan, esp. for me /sarcasm) I realized that I had not been telling D that I love him, which I was holding off on both out of fear and to give the whole situation some time and space, but that I couldn't in good conscience keep my feelings a secret any longer, because hey, we could all die at any time. I have a policy of telling people I love them and have been breaking that with him for the past few weeks. So what did I do? Messaged P asking her if she could be okay with me making that choice. Argh. Wrong thing to do. Yes, I should have had a conversation with D. I won't go into details but let's just say this message made P really uncomfortable, and then the whole situation was way more uncomfortable than before, even. I believe it's been resolved, and I've promised both of them repeatedly that from now on I will take my relationship issues with D, to D.

So, we are working on moving forward again... both physically and emotionally. I'm hoping that it becomes more comfortable and natural for us!

Thanks again for your response.
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