UH OH Reality II
Now before I go into this part let me hit a little more on the dynamic that is Nails and Sorta. We are VERY affectionate people with one another. We hold hands or have our arms around each other. We make out in public. For the most part we can not keep our hands off of each other soooooo when at one point when Nails was sitting up on the deck railing watching one of the other bands and he pulled Giggles to him and not me it was all I could do to not break down in tears. I wanted to die. In that moment I unleashed all the fears I had been holding on since Poison had come around. I was not enough for Nails. I was not sexy enough, I was not girlie enough, I was not woman enough and not only had I opened the door to the enemy, I had thrown her a freakiní welcome party.
Fortunately I was so deep in my shell that the things I felt did not once show on my face, plastic smiles can be very convincing, especially for a woman who had been a drama major in her younger days. I had done this and I had no right to stop it. I had made it ok for Nails to act on things I knew in that moment he had always wanted even though he had so valiantly said other wise the last 15 years of our marriage. I was disgusted that I had kept him away from the things he had wanted and that out of loyalty and need not to be like his cheating father Nails had remained faithful and unhappy. I realize now I was just in an ugly place that my insecurities were mine and really Nails had done nothing wrong. It wasnít like I nicely excused us and then asked him to stop. He was doing what people do, he was given a new toy and he wanted to play with it.
Now this is where I have to defend Giggles. She tried several times to make me a part of their snuggle sessions, Iíd let her a moment and then pull away. This was a big benefit, we had lots of friends there, I didnít want to be bombarded with questions I couldnít answer, that I didnít want to answer. People were watching Nails and Giggles then looking at me, I would just smile and shrug and lift my bottle of beer to my lips as if to say, ďHeís drunk what can I do.Ē People knowing us just took it as Nails being Nails playing the Rockstar and thatís what I needed them to think.
Nails finally decided it was time to leave. Nails had his truck full of gear so he said heíd drive Manson and Giggles could ride with meÖumm no really thatís okÖ I didnít want to be alone with her. I was too worried all the insecure little thoughts would slip out. She was still my muse after all I didnít want her tarnished. She brings up the night before sorta nervously and I just chuckled not know what to say and then she floors me. I almost slammed on my breaks in the middle of the road. She tells me that was the first time she had ever done anything with a woman, well unless you count the woman who kissed her on her last birthday.
So here we are, my insecurities brimming and she wants to tell me Iím the first woman sheís ever been physical with, the first sheís ever wanted to be physical with. I should have been flattered, I wasnít. Instead I started seeing it all as a conspiracy. She wanted Nails, Nails talks me up all night Friday about how much sheíll love me how much we need to hang out and thenÖthen she kisses me. It was all to get to him. Do I believe my husband is all that where a woman would plot to have him? Yes I do but whatís worse is I donít trust women, they are conniving creatures who will do what they can to get what they want and this was in that moment exactly who I believed Giggles to be. My muse was more then tarnished, I suddenly realized she was nothing more then a troll dolled up in drag and trying to steal what was mine. I want to turn the car around and take her back to the hotel but I knew that wasnít fair to Nails and despite what Iím feeling or how Iím hurting I will always sacrifice me to make sure he is happy. In that moment SHE was his happy.