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Old 02-13-2013, 11:44 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 13,875

Alas, W has presented you with some questions and dilemmas that don't have any simple/easy answers. I am slightly alarmed that she is asking you about being a secondary, and I agree with you that it would not be fair for you to accept secondary status after all the years of loyalty toward her. If she wants two primaries, I would consider that more do-able (eventually).

Re: NRE ... it can last quite awhile; estimates of the average duration run from six months to two years. When the NRE does wear off, I'll bet she'll regret how much she pushed you. But I could be wrong.

So, is now the time to get a hold of a divorce lawyer? Perhaps. With how different each individual is, only you can answer that question. I personally recommend setting a time limit on how long you can/should put up with the unfair stuff, and mark a date on the calendar at the end of that time limit. When that date arrives, you call a lawyer.

But make sure it's as long a time as you can go, as W is not in her right mind right now. She is stumbling in the dark with a blindfold on, even if she wants to pretend her perspective is aligned with reality.

If you have reached the appropriate limit of your endurance, then yes, call a divorce lawyer. Just make sure you think carefully through each step of the process.

"KDT, you are so incredibly insightful. Are you sure you're not a trained psychologist? You seem better than the one we currently have."
I thank you for that sentiment. Alas, the experience I have comes from the mistreatment I once dealt out to others, and somehow I always seem to escape paying the price for my own sins. My wife was coming down with Alzheimer's, just at the time when I was rebelling against everything. Imagine, her memory and cognition are slipping down the drain, and she is clinging on to anything cherished and familiar, and here I am, cutting my ties with the cherished and familiar, and not showing her the compassion I should have. It was a complicated situation and a long story, but the point is, any wisdom I have was given to me by the sacrifices of others.

Maybe that's why I frequent poly forums, is out of some subconscious hope to help others where I hindered others in the past. In any case, I am very sympathetic of your situation, and hope things work out okay.

Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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