WHAT I GET FROM MY MONO-POLY RELATIONSHIP
(Bookmark: Generosity of Spirit)
Excerpt from this thread.
Are you the Mono or Poly in the relationship?
Polyamorous. DH is monoamorous and polyfriendly (Verified) but unsure if he is polyamorous himself.
What value does having this kind of relationship bring to your life?
None, if you mean the question just like that. I am poly. I am a woman. I have two feet. So? It brings no value. It just... IS.
I think you could mean...
"what value does choosing to be in the monoamorous-polyamorous relationship that you currently have bring to your life that is more rewarding than choosing to be in a mono-mono or a poly-poly configuration instead?"
For me? I get to be with him. He knew I was polywired when we were dating. He knew it before marriage. He knows it now in marriage. He loves me just as I am. Full on fierce.
And I have only experienced that ONCE -- from him. That sort of full frontal ACCEPTANCE.
Even BF2 it was not without initial qualms because he was monoamorous himself and worried. Yet he still pursued tho I was up front about polywiring and there being BF1 in the picture already.
BF1 now DH? Just accepted. I used to think he was just nuts to be this way. Too much "wear my heart on my sleeve." But I've learned a lot from him about generosity of spirit over the years -- he is incredibly generous with his non-tangibles. His time, goodwill, benefit of doubt, compassion, compersion.
I enjoy receiving this from him. I stick around to get more.
What value does this bring to your (primary) partners life?
I cannot presume to speak for him fully. I can share some things though -- he also gets to have ME in relationship and all I bring to the party. He says loves my intense, my honest, and my ethics. Tells me that all the time.
He tells me he enjoys the things he's learned from ME about life and living it. Like "Life is long -- doesn't all have to happen up at the front end."
What value does this bring to your relationship with your partner?
The "monoamorous - polyamorous" thing? Nothing. It just is. He is a man, I am a woman. He is mono, I am poly for wiring.
I think you could mean
Our willingness to be honest? Communicate? Willingness to verify, clarify, and hold each other accountable to our agreements and shared personal standard? Accept things how they are and keeping it in actual reality?
"What skills required in a harmonious mono-poly mix benefit your relationship with your partner the most?"
Rather than indulging in perceived realities and tempests in teapots and what iffing. Trying to change each other into something we are not? Accepting one another in the present and leaving space to grow over time and being willing to bear witness to that evolution and remain in relationship?
We have a shared relationship and we've built both trust and commitment here. It's stable, and we do the tending required to keep it so. *shrug*
He's been my easiest relationship ever. He says the same about me. We said that 2 years in, 10 years in, now 19 years in. It works because we are very compatible and have a good understanding of ourselves, each other, the relationship we share, and our goals we work toward. We've developed "our way of going" and "how we relate to each other" to the degree it needs to be to weather Life challenges. Births, deaths, job changes, aging, whatever.
If one wants to be in harmonious relationship, one has to be prepared and willing to pay BOTH the "price of admission" AND "continued membership" if you want to be in the shared relationship like a "member in good standing." It isn't enough for just one partner to do that. ALL partners must be willing to do that. Then the relationship (whatever shape or size or number) can fly true.
Fall short of meeting your own and your partner(s) wants, needs, and limits? Watch the turbulence increase on the ride then. Sometimes? To levels where fit hits the shan.
Thinking a lot about DH. We've been really tight lately -- emotionally close, mentall close, physically close... when those align it could lead to nice poking me in my Soul from him. Moving me deeply. And he does. Yum!
Thinking a lot about DH today in another sense -- generosity of spirit.
Spending time helping my formerly Abused, now Divorcing Friend with her paperwork for the next hurdle in the Divorce journey. She's got another court date coming. It's tiresome, tedious paper shuffle. For me? Since I'm not a direct emotional participant, it's boring. I have to deal more in HER emotional stuff than the actual papers. Insert Tab A into slot B type busy busy. Forms online, checklist it, done.
But that sort of minutia could seem overwhelming to people in emotional duress. While she has enjoyed being free of abuse, she's still not quite over the hump. Tying up loose ends in the divorce process.
I'm sure this is not fun for HIM either. But what is the point in dragging it out? He has to pay that price too. Just get it DONE and BE done.
But I review the stuff I have and I see gaping holes. Ugh. Shenanigan-er making more shenanigans?
Here's the vocab lesson of the day:
1 so surprised and confused that one is unsure how to react: Henry looked completely nonplussed <--- this is my friend
2 North American informal not disconcerted; unperturbed. <--- this is me.
Same experience being shared. She's experiencing it one way. I'm getting it another? What's that got to do with poly?
Accept the "pretty bowl / pretty fish" is a part of the reality of relating. DH and I just had this last night. I don't even remember know what it was. I just remember standing near his desk looking at whatever thing it was when we were talking about our house repairs. And it came up... and I said "Pretty bowl, pretty fish" and he kept bringing it up. And I revalidated him. Like "I METAsee that." He sees it that way. I see it this way. We are at a pretty bowl/pretty fish place in the road. Got it. Now move it forward.
Not spend time stuck there.
How you perceive it is not how another perceives it. That is why it is called perceived reality
So... what's in your toolbox for finding out ACTUALITY? That's a good skill in general, not just in poly.
Here it is him and her in the divorce process, her and me in this crazy prep time, me and DH watching this unfold during our Engagement time taking notes. Regardless of the dyad or the filter? It's a truth -- how one perceives it is not how another perceives it.
I am tempted to get all GRRR with frustration. I keep letting it go. "Pretty bowl, pretty fish" I mutter to myself as I slog through paperwork. "Keep moving it forward" I mutter to myself as I staple and file.
And in my head I thought about what I rather be doing. I rather be with DH messing around with our hobbies, making love, anything but this work. But that's the job in front of me right now.
I had one of those moments not of WWJD, or WWUUD, but "What would my spouse's attitude be toward this? What would he try to cultivate?"
And the answer that floated up was "generosity of spirit."
So I went with it. I felt better. Thanks, DH.
Now that I traveled the long thought circle, here's the bottom line META that revalidates the excerpt for me.
What do I get out of being in a mono-poly relationship with DH? I get to enjoy me being with DH.
You could even toss the mono poly out of the sentence. What do I get out of being in a relationship with DH? I get to enjoy me being with DH.
I can't get that anywhere else. The me with him that I am and get to be? Can only come with him.
Oh, I could arrive here in this Me Place with another -- content, stable, happy. Come at it from the pretty bowl side.
But I only get the pretty fish views and experience here with him.
I can live without the bowl. Be fun to get to have bowl too.
But I know I want the fish. So here we be. We keep on choosing each other. Daily.