I continue to struggle with the loss of two significant individuals from my life in the space of 11 months. Plus the ongoing illnesses and deaths among the loved ones of those close to me is, I think, enhancing my feeling of life and love as precarious.
I find that the way I'm thinking just now frightening and freeing by turns.
I know that all the relationships I have now will end or change beyond all recognition (and then ultimately end). Anybody I love right now can be lost at any moment. They may die, be changed utterly by illness, they may change their life and decide they don't want to hang around with me any more, I might change drastically and no longer be able to connect with them.
It utterly terrifies me. Especially the thought that changes in me could result in me losing connections.
Just now, I feel that the very best any of us can hope from out of a relationship is that the connection between us and our loved one remains until one of us dies.
And yet I feel free in a way because of knowing this. Nothing I can do or say can stop the pain from happening. These things will happen regardless of my efforts. So I can stop worrying about it. I don't need to feel as if these things wouldn't happen if I were just a better person.
Plus. The pain I can deal with - I'm strong and loved and able to be on my own happily too. I have no attachments to the way I need to be loved. Or even to the species of my loved ones. Change may hurt and be difficult to go through but I think I'm in a good position to deal with it.
This year I want to concentrate on two things.
First - nurturing myself. Creating a more beautiful home and living environment, writing, exercising, knitting, learning how to deal with my anger.
Second - taking care of my connections with others. I want to build happy memories and let the people I care about know that I care about them. I want to spend lots and lots of time with those closest to me having fun and being caring toward them.