I saw Leo and his wife today for the first time in over a year. They happen to bump into Mono and I while we were eating lunch with a couple of my clients at a local mall. The wife went off to the bathroom and Leo was left talking to us. I sat back and took my lead from him... which didn't really amount to anything and I realized it might look like I didn't want to talk to him. Mono gave him a hug and so I decided I would see if he wanted one from me too. He did and we hugged... they chatted and I sat behind Mono nervously drinking my coffee and not knowing where to look. I managed to stutter out something to do with the vacation they were going on. After a time the wife came out and hugged Mono also. I sat back again to see if there was an indication if she was wanting one from me also... there was none, only the utterance of "hello." Mono chatted with them both for a bit while I sat behind him and then after saying their good byes to him I got a nod and a bye.
I'm not sure what to make of it now. Mostly I felt bad that they had to see me and interact at all with me. I am reminded of how I was invited out of their lives and asked to fuck off, essentially, and I was wishing I could be very small and run away so that I could indulge them in that request. If the situation had of been different I probably would turn around and walk away as a way to help them out of the situation... and myself. I am in no position to rise to the occasion of trying to fix anything right now. I have nothing to give.
I have heard rumors around the community of who they spend their time with and who she is dating and it has meant that he has been on my mind for some time. I don't have anything to say really, but I'm done with the silence also. Its a tricky thing. I have heard that there is not always the best stuff said about me by them (no details, just indications of attitude), but I trust that people will make up their own minds anyway. They will experience what they experience and that is always going to be different than what I experience. No one is asking me any way so I am off the hook as far as being put on the spot for giving out info on them.
I largely keep to myself and don't spend time with anyone but my chosen family these days so there is no one around me that wants to know what I think about things any way. Besides, there are a good number of people that are glad I am not around. It makes me feel rather content to know that I don't exist in peoples minds for the most part. As long as I don't find out I am missing or going to miss out on something I might like to do, I could stay in this a very long time. Everyone is moving on and I am just going to hover here while they do.
I am content to sit in my bed and play video games right now. Its just way too complicated to be involved with anyone or in anything. Simple is best right now and that means scaling poly back to a relationship with me. I am monogamous with myself.
I have a hate on for poly at the moment. and a hate on for anything that keeps me from my time to myself.
I am pretty sure that monogamy was built on the backs for some very hurt and damaged individuals that thought it best to just buckle down to taking in the crop from the fields rather than dealing with the bullshit that comes along with having to deal with many partners and the responsibility that comes along with that. Monogamy seems easier. Who needs all this relationship/communication bullshit any way. Viva monogamy.
Really I think that many poly people are only poly to stay in their marriages because of the kids, house, car, debit. Really I think many people are better off divorced and moving on to another mono relationship as I highly doubt that many people can handle the pain that poly inflicts (including myself). I also think that many poly people are in it because they can't find someone that will commit to them or fear commitment themselves. Why not have lots of people to do this with rather than one. Then you will be too busy to notice. Some how it seems that Self indulgence means no one gets hurt. Not fully connecting with others and not being completely vulnerable means that distance keeps a person from getting hurt. Same with the sex... just keep it un-emotionally at arms length and have fun and everyone will be okay. Funny, because the hurt comes just the same anyway. Really, its all irrelevant because life just sucks the life out of you sometimes.
Man am I burnt out. And premenstrual.