AnnabelMore: I can't agree more with the Jasmine line, but I'm not sure if my husband realizes I'm feeling that way. I might need to address this too when we talk.
Sparklepop: I have been nine months with the boyfriend, in a mono/poly situation.
If it helps for more background, my husband does not like the idea of my boyfriend living with us till the end of our days. He seems to feel it would be easier if the boyfriend had a place of his own, so my hubby doesn't have to see the affection so much.
When I first asked my husband about "sleeping over," he just said, "I'm just not ready yet," which told me he could be in the future. Then the second response....I guess my boyfriend has to do something to deserve it in my husband's perspective. Which is along the lines of something already discussed between Y and E. My hubby kept saying over and over that my boyfriend hasn't cared about his hurt feelings enough, so I begged E to talk to Y about it. I was there for it, and E asked him, "What do I need to do to make up for what happened?" and Y answered that it wasn't a matter of E "making up" for it, but that he just wants E to be proactive in taking his feelings into consideration.
E has tried, in his own way. He invites Y to play video games with him all the time, and tries to be a general friend. Y has told me that he sees this, but it isn't what he needs from E to see that he cares. I don't think E knows what to do, honestly. I think Y just wants to see better manners from E, but other than that I'm not sure what else he wants either.
As far as I can tell my husband's jealousy spells are significantly reduced. My husband does not seem to direct complaints at me, or if he has any he's not communicating them. He just complains about E living with us, mostly.
The actual conversation, the "He doesn't deserve it," occured almost two months ago. It just has stuck out in my mind so much though as a red flag of something going on that needs to be addressed at some point.
Y did ask E, about a couple months before poly happened, to stop tickling me so much. E did continue doing so (I don't think I entirely knew that was requested?), and Y was INSANELY hurt about this. E, again, feels that he was just being friends with me, which makes Y feel like his feelings are not being validated by E. I think he still sees this as a betrayal of sorts, too. E hasn't seemed sorry for this, so I think this has added to the pain.
"However... you are enabling their behaviour by doing the hard work for them. They are free to be lazy emotionally, because they know you'll sort it out for them."
At the time, they got into the discussion of their own free will, and I did insist we come to a written agreement. This was to ensure that the conversation would start going in a more productive direction, since a lot of "but you agreed to...." and "No I didn't!" was going on. It would have been better had they written it down, but I thought of it as a group effort.
In regards to my boyfriend not apologizing, I meant that it was a side issue requiring a separate topic. I didn't use a very good choice of words there. And yes, it's a huge issue within itself. I got into a huge argument with E the other night and it took him having to calm down by himself before he apologized to me. I refused to back down until he did, and the process was painful. I really think he feels that everything will be ok once the other party is converted to his point of view, so then there won't be a need for an apology. That hasn't worked very well for him because different value sets are what they are. I wish I could get him to see that a bit better.
In regards to your edit...this is one of those themes that comes up for me from time to time. I think from a moral standpoint I cannot just rely on E to satisfy the needs Y isn't. I want Y as my husband to work on attending those. In the heart of that concern, I have brought my needs to Y's attention again.
E is very intuitive with emotions and needs. Y isn't at all, or at least isn't with me. It is easy to get distracted with that, but I want a better relationship with Y. Otherwise, my marriage with Y will continue to remain in a bit of jeopardy.
Nycindie: Y does still feel hurt, and it drives me crazy because I want to help him somehow. He's been a bit better lately, but he did say it feels like a "kick to the stomach" when he sees E and I cuddling while watching TV or something. I don't want him to feel that way at all, but I'm not sure if that is something he can get past or not.
GalaGirl: I definitely agree that what I want is my husband's goodwill on it. That is so important to me. And E needs to work on getting that goodwill somehow.
I hadn't considered asking together with E before because I was afraid it would be perceived as double-teaming, but since you have phrased it in terms of goodwill, I can see why that would be so important. E has deferred the harder issues for me to ask because the one time he did ask for goodwill it didn't go so well. Long story, but E's timing on the asking was bad, so my husband was not in a place to react well. Still, I have been often the only one speaking up, and E needs to start speaking up for his wishes and desires with Y directly. I see now that if we had done this earlier, it would have provided better opportunities for the two of them to talk, which is sorely needed right now.
Thanks to everyone for putting so much thought into your responses. We have recently had a very challenging last couple of days, so any insight is tremendously helpful.
Me: K, female, 27. Married to Y for over 4 yrs (male, monogamous, 33). Opened relationship to E (male, monogamous, 27) in a relationship vee.