Scatter brained; stress; anxiety
So I spent my morning rather industriously. I was putting together my thoughts on things I want to discuss with Chipmunk and Airyn. Some of it was meant to be talked about with just Airyn, some with both of them together. The way I typically do this is i will write out what ever comes to mind. Then the next day or so I'll re read it and edit out the snide, or aggressive, and leave it a more calm piece. Then another day or so later I'll come back again, and re read it to do the same thing. By the time I'm done, I'm no longer angry or triggered by anything in what I'm writing, and I'm ready to talk about what ever it is.
I was also working on re-upholstering a piano bench. So Good time to do my thinking, and I left my writing open on my PC. Well when Airyn and Chipmunk got up I left to change clothes, and didn't realize that my writing page was open, versus say my email, or facebook, or knitting articles.
When I go back into the kitchen and sit down to put my shoes on Chipmunk heads to the bedroom, and I tell Airyn I have some things I'd like to talk to the two of them about. He tells me he knows he saw it on my PC, and so did Chipmunk. Well that was a stress-or. What I had written wasn't for them to read, or even what I would have actually said, it was my thoughts on several topics that have been bothering me, and on topic that need to change or be clarified giving the recent turn of events.
So I asked if they read the whole thing. No, but enough was the answer. I start off mostly calm trying to keep a civil tone, and not make things worse, but Airyn is being very angry, frustrated with me, and things degenerate. After several minutes of stupid angry on both sides we both stop. Airyn asked me what changed from last night to today. What triggered this. He tells me yesterday he was optimistic, but now he's being reamed, and isn't feeling I'm as serious as I was yesterday.
I don't answer for a long while and he asks again. So I tell him I'm thinking. I am trying to clear my head of the angry, stress, anxiety and give a real answer. As usual it is not a simple answer. But I put what I can together and we talk. My anxiety rises and I tell him that I feel anxious, and stressed. He asks me If I want to get a hug, and I get up and go to him for some hugs. WE work it out, Airyn's frustration disappears, but I'm still anxious stressed, and ready to just leave and walk till I'm better.
Airyn tell's me they are getting ready to leave and that i should stay home, and not go walking in the rain. That I don't have to go, or if i really just want to get out to let him drop me off at my stated destination. He's still holding me, and I'm more calm, but obviously ready to tip right back into it again. i tell him that I'll just take a hot shower, and need to be alone for a while.
Airyn: "Good Idea, I'll talk to Chipmunk and tell her not to be upset about your stuff."
Me: "I already did."
Airyn: "you did?"
Me: "Yeah when I grabbed my bag from the bedroom." Then I tell him what I said, and that she seemed to hear me and not be bothered.
Me: "My only plans for today were to go to one store with you two, and have lunch with my friend. I had no intention of starting an argument, or of upsetting you two. I wasn't even going to talk about any of that today, it's your guys day."
Airyn: "It's ok, relax, it was a mistake I understand. Are we back to yesterday now?"
Airyn: "Ok, I'm sorry, and I'm not frustrated any more, can you tell?"
Me: "Yes, I can hear your not frustrated. And I'm sorry too, i should have checked that my stuff was closed before I walked away. Forgive me?"
Skip to me getting in the shower. I find a calmer place and Airyn comes to check on me. I have issue with headaches, sleepy, needing to eat, and taking a hot shower that don't mix well with me. So Airyn tells me I've been in the shower a long while, and asks if I'm better. I tell him that they should go that I still need some alone time, but that I feel less anxious. Ok, but get out soon, don't make yourself sick in there ok?
Later Airyn tells me he told Chipmunk that that was like reading my diary, it wasn't something I would have left out on purpose, and that what they saw wasn't meant to be read, and would not have been said in the same fashion it was written. She apparently handled it well.
They left for a coffee shop, and Airyn started messaging me for Move out cost estimates for Chipmunk. They were building a spreadsheet. This turned into a long-distance round table discussion between the three of us. Chipmunk actually took the initiative and sent me a message. We then spent an hour or two discussing what "things" she would need and where to get them at a reasonable price.
When they got home, she was still feeling chatty, and commented that it was some how easier to talk in Chat. I nodded, and told her that sometimes it is easier for me to talk to Airyn in chat too. This I have said before. They head back out to get Wolf, and when they get back She's still up for chatting. And not just boring mundane, but serious business stuff. Moving out, things she needs, would like, ect. Speaking her mind freely and not a silent brick wall. Has she found her voice? Is she going to show me her colors? What she's made of, who she really is? Is there someone in there I can actually relate to?
If nothing else she's did not treat me like i terrify her for once, and that feels good.
Married to my high school sweat heart (20 year relationship). Talked about Poly, but put the idea off and had a kid instead. Stumbled into an FFM (Vee) that became an FMF (Vee).
No longer dateing my husbands Girlfriend.
Airyn: My husband (Straight)
Chipmunk: My x-GF, My husbands GF (Straight)
Wolf: my Daughter with Airyn
Boots: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married
History: Social/Friend dating (Bi) Married