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Old 02-12-2013, 09:07 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 264

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Have you talked? and KNOW that is how he currently feels?

Could you ask him why your loving C means he feels like you do not love him? (go into it knowing he may not be able to articulate it well.)
We've talked, lots. We have different definitions of love and loyalty, and of course he has a monogamous mindset, so for me to say I love him and also say I want to have an intimate relationship with another man, seems illogical to him. He feels it is not loyal to share my body with two, whereas I think of loyalty in terms of sticking by my husband through thick and thin, and being honest, and sticking to our agreements.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Could you be helping to create the emotional distance by being too "C news broadcasty" in your enthusiasm and alienating him? (Sorry, I cannot think of a better way to express that.)

Sometimes the existing partner is not ready to hear your love for your Other at "full volume." It's natural to want to share it, and it's natural to want to share it with your closest people -- and he's one of them. Disclosing personal things creates emotional intimacy.
My husband has made it clear that he doesn't want to see C or hear him spoken about, so I pretty much limit it to the minimum info needed for planning. For example, C and I are attending an event this weekend, but when I bring it up with my husband I refer to the event and not to being with C. "I'll be leaving for the camp after the girls leave for school on Friday," etc. I guess I'm not sure how I can "lower the volume" any further. I try to do my packing subtly in the back of the closet. The only time I talk about him at all is in marriage counseling, and even then we tend to talk about the struggle with my polyamory in general and not my specific relationship with C.

I understand that its a painful subject for my husband, but at the same time it does make me sad that I have this big chunk of my life that I don't talk about with him. C feels like he'd like to get to know my husband a little, or at least not be ostracized from our house, simply because they share the common desire to love me and make me happy. When they do cross paths at the occasional dance event, C wants to greet my husband and give him a handshake, but my husband prefers that they stick to opposite sides of the room and avoid eye contact. He feels that C has, by becoming intimate with his wife, committed an unforgivable crime against him (even though C has always been mindful of the agreed upon boundaries). Obviously the whole situation is painful for my husband, but he hasn't wanted to try to discuss or understand the root of his pain, because I think he feels like my interest in going there is to try to convince him that it's based on false assumptions and he should be ok with all this.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
When he talks about boring tech things... I would say your husband is trying, he cares for you. Could kiss him, praise him and tell him thanks for talking to you, you love hearing his voice.
Good point. I think I've been getting cross and critical when our conversations become one sided (he talks, but doesn't listen to my responses, or I talk and he doesn't listen at all). More praise is in order.
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs
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