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Old 01-04-2010, 06:25 PM
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Ravenesque Ravenesque is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 297

Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I guess what it comes down to is that things don't have to look or even be entirely alike to have things in common. The definitions are only speaking to the elements that these things have in common. In the case of polyamory, love and multiple relationships. It does not specifically exclude the things that we don't have in common (the weight of sex vs love, the nature of how the love manifests) for a good reason. Because then it would also start excluding the things that they do have in common. It's a great way to specifically exclude people from a community.
Indeed, therefore polyamory and swinging may not look alike (to some people) yet they may have many things in common. Hence saying they are not mutually exclusive.

It follows with an example I have used of the spectrum in regards to these two communities. You have two extremes. Those who virulently state that polyamory does not have to include sex and those who state that swinging does not have to include love.

However, when you move towards the center of the spectrum, you get the gray area people. Those who see love in swinging and those who sex in polyamory. Then the "differences" that some claim exist, really aren't there for those who inhabit the gray middle and some degrees from the gray middle. Those who inhabit the middle may use terms swinger and polyamorist while their behaviors are nearly indistinguishable from each other.

Separating the two does not speak to the experience of these individuals and proves divisive.

Understanding the above is the antithesis of not focusing on difference. It is in fact embracing difference where others would use difference to divide.

It is much like what occurred in another thread around one member's use of the word fuckbuddy. Another member insisted that the term lover be used. I have seen people describe their relationships and receive the most audacious response of "oh well that's different, you're not really a swinger, you're poly," because the behavior fit their definition of polyamory yet they totally disregard the individual's perspective and assertion that they are a swinger. And vice versa with the "That's not poly. You're a swinger," deigning to give their true definition of another's relationship and giving no value to that person's chosen self identification.

This is what can come from focusing only on the commonalities and not focusing on understanding and reaching across differences.

Blindness. Utter and complete. To anyone else's experience other than oneself.

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~Open up your mind and let me step inside.
Rest your weary head and let your heart decide. It's so easy.
When you know the rules.
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Everybody play the game of love. Yeah...~

Last edited by Ravenesque; 01-04-2010 at 06:27 PM.
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