Thank you everyone for your advice and reassurance.
Meera, your guy sounds awesome. A story like that is really inspiring as was your line about trusting your instincts. I very much feel it is important for me to trust myself these days.
Marcus, it sounds like I am in the right place. I will take your advice on the principled approach.
Rhaenes, it feels good to hear someone call me healthy particularly after the conversation I just had.
It was a great support to come back and read those replies because right after I wrote the post I got a call from the girl I wrote about. Partly I was glad for this as it gave me a chance to further explain where I was coming from and perhaps dispel some of the assumptions she may have made about my choice. However, the other side of the conversation (the longer side) was her explaining to me how she saw this as a mistake and that I was giving up something special for something selfish and naive. At various intervals she communicated pain, disappointment, disgust and judgement. She told me I was a little boy and didn't have enough life experiences to know better. She apologized when I called her out on it, however. I know she is hurting so I don't take it too personally. I tried to communicate the same to her several times: that this isn't personal, with little effect. In the end, she doesn't understand what is to be gained from opening yourself up to "such complications and pain." I tried to convey to her the beauty and sense of it for me but she didn't seem to listen. I feel a little limp in doing that because my hypothesis is, as of yet, untested.
I have cheated in every one of my relationships and I told her that is why I decided I needed to make friends with this part of myself so that I would not keep repeating the pattern that made me feel like shit and ruined my relationships in the end anyway. I told her that I would be willing to continue with her but that it would require opening up eventually. She just kept talking about how I was the love of her life (we have been dating for 3 months) and that what I was doing was foolish and sad. That I didn't understand what mattered in life, apparently.
At times, her words started to make me think I had imagined this whole thing and obviously what I wanted wasn't what I really needed. That maybe I was delusional and had talked myself into this. That somehow, [I]this time, [I]love would be enough to overcome what I have felt in every relationship I have ever had. She made it sound like it was something I could get over and would once I started thinking like an adult. It started to weave its spell on me and I found myself feeling dazed and unconvincing. This has been a problem for me in the past with lovers. Their perspectives overtake my own. I am trying to regain my ground again after this assault on what had felt like a very clear and confident conviction.
We are going to talk again in a few days. I am afraid of losing her and finding out that she was right and that I was just confused about all of this. Before this conversation I had been feeling a deep sense of self-assurance and trust about my desire to be polyamorous. Will this really be worth it? How can I know?
Any help is immensely appreciated. Thanks for listening.