It came down to this, essentially, over the course of a couple of days --
Me: I don't think this is working out. We're nowhere near getting to the place we were aiming for when we started.
Davis: I don't necessarily disagree. I just think it means we need to re-commit, work harder.
Me: I don't know that I can. I care for you deeply, but I don't see building my life with you. You deserve someone you can do that with.
Davis: I want to fight for this. I want to fight for you. I love you so much.
Me: ;_; oh god i am making a terrible mistake
Me: idek what's wrong with me, you are so lovely and brave and good
Davis: So, we're not breaking up?
Me: I don't know.
Me: Yeah, no, I know I really do want to break up. As conflicted as I am, this has been on my mind for way too long. And I think that means we can't be friends. Because we tried that before, and we just ended up back together.
Davis: What if we just decided we were both going to really give this our all instead?
Me: No. I know what my core is trying to tell me. I need to let this relationship go.
Davis: Wait, not ok. ;_; I'm so isolated right now, I don't even know what to do or who to call. I feel utterly alone and lost.
Me: Oh yeah, you had kinda been telling me that all your closest friends had dropped off the map lately... and then there's that whole history of depression and mental issues thing you've got going on... I truly don't know what would happen to you if you were completely cut off from support.
Me: ...fuck. I won't leave you alone. I promise. I'm here for you, as a friend, if you need me.
Davis: Thank you.
Me: Losing our friendship had been my greatest fear all along, anyway, really.
Me: Is this ridiculously unhealthy though?
Davis: Maybe? I have no idea.
Me: Wouldn't it be better for you if I were gone entirely?
Davis: That's for me to decide.
Davis: Here's my proposal. We'll stay friends, no expectations, no rules, no guidelines, no relationship.
Davis: And if we fall back into bed together from time to time? So be it.
Me: I'm too tired to debate any more, even though I'm very concerned that I'm doing the wrong thing by not cutting myself out of your life, and that us being fwb's would be detrimental to you. But god, it feels good to think that I don't have to stop talking to you. I hate thinking of not knowing how you're doing.
The various friends to whom I've spoken about this: The friend part sounds good! The fwb part sounds unhealthy like woah.
Me: Yeah, I know. I'm figuring it out, ok?
The various friends to whom I've spoken about this: Ok.
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.