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Old 02-12-2013, 04:21 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Northern Cali
Posts: 552

I'm very sorry you're going through this. It strikes a nerve with me, because I had something similar happen in the past and am fearful of something like it happening in the future. So I have nothing but sympathy for you when I say-

I think you already know what you need to do.

Originally Posted by Lotsoflove View Post
if i fall in love with someone else, she has to find a way to deal with what we have.

And that was the problem. She didn't. She is very insecure and i gave them time. I gave them 1,5 year (because he went away to a foreign country for months and had a very busy time working). But it felt wrong. It felt very wrong for me to love someone so much and not even talk about anything anymore, without properly breaking up.
So, even from early on, you knew it felt wrong.

But as far as i know, he hasn't told his girlfriend about the kissing. All he told me later is that she is not ok with someone (he kept the conversation general) kissing someone else.
He did something that was not part of his agreement with his gf and has, as far as you know, not told her the truth about it.
And this feels wrong. I do not want to cross any line. Not the one from his new girlfriend who doesn't want him to be close with someone else. If i can't kiss him, feeling more for each other means we cross the line too.

And i've just recently said, that i can't. I can't see him, and feel that i'm cheating on his girlfriend.
Good for you for keeping to your personal boundaries. I know it's not easy when there's something we really want.
And it hurts like hell to know what we feel and not be able to express it.
Yes, it does.

All i want is for him to say clearly what he wants with this situation, but he is the more sensitive kind of guy, so he wants to make everyone happy. Which is probably not possible in this situation, so he needs his time. And i can't wait. I've opened my heart again and it hurts to be 'on hold'. To wait for a solution.
It seems like what he WANTS, a relationship with both of you, is not something he can ethically have. He has already chosen to stay with her for all this time, even though he said long ago that he wouldn't be with someone who wasn't okay with your place in his life. So while he may not have said it in words, he HAS said it in actions. Waiting isn't fair to you and is unlikely to do any good at this point anyway. I'm sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear.

It hurts so much i can't see things clearly, so i hope you can reflect some words of wisdom back to mee.

Thanks for being there anyway,
and a hug for everyone who wants one
(as i have a lot spare ones left unwanted know..)

Actually, I'm rather impressed with how clearly you HAVE seen. A LOT of people get caught up in the excitement of a secret relationship and don't see how bad it is for all involved. Or they don't have enough strength to say, "No, I'm not going to do this because it's dishonest." So give yourself some credit. And then take a deep breath and start moving on, because waiting isn't going to do you any good.

Again, probably not what you wanted to hear. I hope you're able to stay strong and keep telling him "No" if he tries to convince you. I wish you luck.

Pan Female, Hinge in a V between my mono (straight) husband, Monochrome and my poly (pan) partner, ThatGuyInBlack
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