Originally Posted by ManofDiscovery
No I'm sorry - I've been on other forums and not experienced the level of aggression or pettiness that some people like to display on here.
Especially around terminology. And creating intended offence when none was meant. Twisting posts around so that the meaning comes out in the worst possible light.
It seems no newbie is allowed to post advice on anything, because that is considered to be storming in and claiming they know it all.
What do you get out of all that? Does it feel good? I doubt it.
I'm sure your reaction will be 'well if you don't like it, fuck off' but that doesn't invalidate my point.
Can I ask what kinds of forums those are? I've noticed that this forum is different in that it really touches at the heart of people's lives. It's hard to get that worked up about wool vs acrylic on a knitting forum, or how much nitrogen to add to your potato patch.
It's not that newbies aren't allowed to post advice. It's that posting advice about something you know nothing about is discouraged. Newbies might know nothing about polyamory, but they might have a lot of experience in things like abusive relationships, effective communication, or basic relationships in general.
But when someone comes in talking specifically about how to do polyamory properly, when they haven't actually been in a successful polyamorous relationship or at least taken the time to read about the experiences of people who have, then it's not surprising that their advice will encounter dismissive attitudes -- especially when it flies in the face of personal experience.
Ahh, yes. Polys and their terminology. On that one, I will concede a particularly strong phenomenon. Polys love to make up all kinds of words for all kinds of subtleties. And, having taken the time to make up all these words, they/we have a tendency to be really anal about using them properly. I imagine it would be the same if you went to the arctic and just called all the white stuff "snow."
But to be honest, MOD, more than nitpicking and attacking people for terminology specifically, what we really come down on is ignorant know-it-alls. It's really not very difficult to tell if someone is genuinely trying to learn and willing to be educated. Terminology seems to be our favoured method of attack for some reason, probably because we're forbidden from attacking personal character. But in some cases, it really is personal character that is the problem. As it turns out, language is a very strong reflection of how a person thinks.
I re-iterate my previous point. Many people come here with confused understanding of terminology, and when we correct them, they say "Oh, I didn't know. Sorry. I'll rephrase myself." But when people get all defensive about it, and insist on using their own terminology even though it inhibits effective communication, it just creates a flame war. Really, all we're asking for is that people be clear and concise. If your meaning is misunderstood, use a different explanation of what you mean. Don't get all hell bent on defending your confusing message if it's obvious that you were misunderstood.