Originally Posted by polymiami
... Bitter, cold, and afraid that if I stay here my ability to love will just shrivel and die.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be angry. I would do anything to just love him, and he love me, and not be concerned with what happens aside from those wonderful moments. I wish I could just take a deep breathe and exhale this soul-rotting poison that I feel has infested me. But I just cry and cry and cry - not really knowing why. I, too, wander aimlessly through the house, wishing I wasn't so angry that I could punch a hole through the fabric of the universe. I don't know what I'm afraid of. I don't know what I'm angry at. I don't understand my feelings at all. And I feel lost and alone and adrift.
I'm in so much pain.
The pain you are feeling, reading your post, is palpable. I am sorry you are hurting.
I watched my husband go through this ... and it was the most terrible time of our lives. I don't know how long this has been going on for you, but for him it was 10 weeks of sheer misery. He didn't know if he could love me any more - which was devastating for him. (On my side, watching him suffer, knowing it was my "fault", was hard - but I felt like any pain that I was feeling was deserved for creating the situation...and I actually never doubted his ability to love me.) In my husband's case his underlying depression was a contributing factor and part of his turn around did involved resuming his anti-depressant medication.
After 10 weeks the clouds did start to part - he was still sad and angry but he was able to talk and process what he was experiencing. To add some insight and perspective to his responses, to reconnect with me and with his best friend (the two people who had hurt and "betrayed" him). 8 weeks (and a series of bizarre circumstances later) and he had broken through and forged on to some "epiphany" - whereby it was now, not only "okay", but right and beautiful that the two people who love and care for him the most also love and care for each other.
I honestly don't know how he did it...but here we are now...two years strong...a "family" of three.
I don't have any words of great wisdom. My husband has never been able to explain the process that took him from despair to compersion. I have some theories - that he had to allow himself to feel what he was feeling, to own it, to wallow in it, and then explore it to learn why and how he felt that way. That after he had experienced all of this he then could take what he had learned and DECIDE that he didn't have
to feel that way any longer. He could choose to take all of the "shoulds" and "should nots" and create a new framework for himself (and, hence, for us and our relationship) that would allow him to be happy again (and keep loving me).
Life is a process. We make choices. They have consequences. The cycle continues.